Nibble part 20

"Hey," Lindsay said, staring at me with a raised eyebrow as I walked up to my locker the next day. I smiled noncommittally and opened my locker. She cleared her throat, "Um, so." I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. "So," I responded, looking back into my locker. "Uh... what, um, what happened with Nick?" I shrugged, "I just visited him at the hospital. He was pretty bruised up, you know, but he only had one broken bone." She nodded, "So, um, when's gonna be back?" I shrugged, "They let him out of the hospital last night, I think. He'll probably come back tomorrow, he seemed pretty ti-" I stopped as I saw Nick coming down the hallway toward me. I rose an eyebrow, "Or, you know, he might come back today." Lindsay turned, saw Nick, immediately turned back to me, and rose an eyebrow at me. Nick approached us just as I blinked at her, unknowing. "Hey," he said, and I couldn't do anything but blink at him. "Thanks for, uh, coming... to the hospital, you know. You didn't have to do that. Sorry that I was kind of sleeping the whole time you were there." I shook my head quickly, blushing bright, slightly embarrassed that Lindsay knew now that I had stayed there even when he had fallen asleep. At least she didn't know that I had also held his hand the whole time, marveling over how smooth his fingers were, his rounded fingernails, the veins of his hands sticking out like they might explode at any minute. I shuddered now and looked up again. Lindsay was staring at me, both eyebrows up. Nick noticed and quickly said, "Uh... wanna sign my, um, cast?" I couldn't help but laugh at this, knowing that having people sign his cast wasn't something Nick would ordinarily do. Her unzipped his army bag and handed Lindsay a black sharpie. She wrote in careful block letters, small but not tiny, "Lindsay The Great". I took the pen, placed his arm over my right hand, and signed my name on it with my left. I wrote it in a mix between graffiti-type and cursive, massive, over the whole cast, so that pretty much no one else could sign. He laughed, "Well. There you go. Now I'll never forget the important things in life." Lindsay and I both raised our eyebrows at this, and he quickly added, "You shouldn't chill in alleys at night, and you shouldn't let a girl sign your cast afterwards if you do." I laughed and Lindsay fought a grin, her eyes warming, like she was figuring something out in her brain. She smiled at him, "Thanks, Nick. We'll see you later." She tugged on my arm then and pulled me away to class.

"I just don't get it," Lindsay said, shaking her head as she bit into a carrot stick at lunch, "You guys aren't together. You don't like him. You barely talk to each other. So why did you visit him at the hospital? And why isn't he wondering why you visited him at the hospital?" I blushed, "You don''t know that he isn't." She rolled her eyes, "Oh yes, I do. I may be out of your loop, but I'm not clueless." I blushed brighter and looked down, and Lindsay leaned toward me and asked, "What aren't you telling me?" I looked up and wanted to tell her everything. Not just about Nick. But about why I was there in the first place, why I happened to find Nick following me that first night. Why I had insomnia. I wanted to tell her about my parents. I wanted to tell her about my fingernails. About how I worked every day to make sure I didn't start biting them anymore, after all those years where the nibbling was a second nature, a relief, something to distract me from the surroundings that I hated, to make me seem occupied-so that my parents wouldn't turn, see me sitting there, just listening, and decide to let me in on the yelling, to invite me in. It was bad enough I had to witness it, I would die if I was part of it. Instead, I looked up at Lindsay and said, "Um... Santa Claus is a fraud?"

© 2010

Spoon part 7

"How you doin' tonight, Seattle?" I asked in my faux British accent, leaning into the microphone and squinting against the stage lights. The screaming that had already been happening grew louder and thicker and I said, with Jackson's famous small smile, "We're gonna start the night with one I think you'll all know." I leaned away from the mic and Kevin and Joel started playing the first notes of We'll Blow Your Ears Out. I leaned into the mic and sang the first words, "Breaking out, falling down, turn around-we'll blow your ears out." The crowd screamed louder than ever and joined in, and we sang through the song, starting off the concert.

Sweat sank through my wig and onto my forehead, and I was bouncing up and down as I was ushered to my dressing room. All I wanted to do was get back to the hotel room, wash my hair, wash the wig, and sleep. Unfortunately, I had to wait. I stood outside my dressing room door, trying not to let the sweaty wig gross me out too horribly, and watched as fans were set into a line. They were as bouncy as me, however different their motives were. Luckily, I only had to see the people with backstage passes. The line was long, but not as long as it would be if I had to do a real autograph signing. The first two girls were ushered forward to me. They gushed about how much they loved my music and how my lyrics were so deep and they felt like they new me on a deeply personal level because of them. Yea, right. They knew nothing about me. Maybe they knew a little bit about Jackson, but they knew nothing about me. Nothing at all. I smiled at them anyway and said, "I'm glad you enjoy them." They swooned at my accent and I signed their posters of me before they were sent on their way. I signed for a few more and then one girl was ushered up to me. She held no poster, no CD. Just herself and a tattered band shirt. Not my band, mind you. I rose an eyebrow and she said, "I love you. I'm going to marry you." I laughed outright and said, "Well! Good to know!" She seemed very excited that I did not deny our future marriage, and before I knew what was going on, she leaned forward and kissed me. The guards pulled her back immediately and pulled her away as she screamed out my name. But it was too late. I was scarred.

"Dude, Jackson," Luther said, raising an eyebrow, "I don't get what your deal is. Fan kisses are annoying, sure, but it's not that big of a deal." Of course it's not. If I wasn't wearing a wig, if the world knew I was girl, and that fan had been a guy, then it wouldn't be a big deal at all. In fact, I would be flattered. But this-this was just wrong. Not just because the whole thing grossed me out, but also, more so, because that girl-she thought she was kissing a guy. How could she possibly think otherwise? She thought she was kissing the man on her walls, that boy who made her heart pound with his accent and his milky singing voice. Everything she knew about me, everything she probably spent hours finding out about me, reading every magazine article with my name on it, watching interviews and paying all that money for a backstage pass, leaning forward and placing her lips on mine and thinking that her life was complete, that she has just kissed the one person in her life that had always seemed more fiction than fact. But she hadn't. She had just leaned forward and kissed a girl with a wig, a wicked tenor voice, and a huge weight on her back. I was lying to everyone. To the nation, to the world, to all those girls. To my band mates. To the people who did my make up, to the magazines that photographed me. To the driver who hauled me around for countless hours. To my grandma, my cousins, my uncles and aunts. To every one of my friends except Jeanette and Katherine. And the worst part about it, about all this suddenly hitting me like a pound of bricks, was that nothing was going to change. I was in over my head. I couldn't back out.

Not yet, at least.

© 2010

A Spoon Songbook (part 1)

Song 1 (Single and Album Cover)

We'll Blow Your Ears Out

Written by Joel Bennett and Jackson Aepatt

Composed by Jackson Aepatt

Verse 1

Breaking out

Falling down

Turn around

We'll blow your ears out

Hear that sound

Breaking out

Turn around

We'll blow your ears out

Chorus

'Cause I've been

Falling for the same tricks

Picking up the wrong chicks

Every time I turn around

I'm broken down again

Verse 2

Got kicked out

Of my own house

I'm breaking down

They tell me that I'm falling down

I said no

I turned around

I'm breaking down

They tell me that I'm all wrong

(Chorus)

'Cause I've been

Falling for the same tricks

Picking up the wrong chicks

Every time I turn around

I'm broken down again

Verse 3

And now may be the only time

I'm given to admit my lies

So now I'll tell you everything

As long as you promise to listen

Oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh

(Chorus)

'Cause I've been

Falling for the same tricks

Picking up the wrong chicks

Every time I turn around

I'm broken down again

I'm broken down again

Verse 4/1 repeated

Breaking out

Falling down

Turn around

We'll blow your ears out

Hear that sound

Breaking out

Turn around

We'll blow you ears out

Song 2 (Single)

I Have To

Written and composed by Jackson Aepatt

Verse 1

I spend too much time

Thinking about the past

I should move on with my life

I'm stuck in a life that won't last

Chorus

But it's so hard to move on

From the life that we lived to hold on to

And it's so hard to admit I'm wrong

About the things that I've always wanted

Always dreamed of

Verse 2

It's not that I haven't yet realized

That the path I've been taking

Is all wrong

It's just that it's so hard to move on

When I have worked so hard

To find this place where I feel I belong

(Chorus)

But it's so hard to move on

From the life that we lived to hold on to

And it's so hard to admit I'm wrong

About the things that I've always wanted

Always dreamed of

Verse 3

And I know what they're saying about me

And I know that what they say is only truth

And I realize that I'm digging my own grave

And I realize that I no longer belong

Here

Or anywhere near here

(Chorus)

But it's so hard to move on

From the life that we lived to hold on to

And it's so hard to admit (that) I'm wrong

About the things that I've always wanted

Always dreamed of

Verse 4

I can remember times when I would fantasize

About the life I'm living now,

The one that's flashing before my eyes

I can recall days when I would linger

On how the success felt-

But now it's slipping through my fingers

(Chorus)

And I know it's time to move on

From the life that I lived to hold on to

And though it's hard to admit I'm wrong

About the things that I've always wanted

Always dreamed of

I will now

'Cause I have to

Song 3 (We'll Blow You Ears Out album)

Wondering (The Flight to Fame)

Written and composed by Joel Bennett and Jackson Aepatt

Verse 1

I was sitting on my own

Laying all alone

When I started

To wonder

I was minding myself

Sitting on a shelf

When I started

To wonder

(Pre-chorus)

I wondered

What it feels like

I wondered

How great greatness felt

I wondered

How much of a risk I would take

To get myself there

Chorus

And it wasn't very hard

To discard all the things that I knew better than to try

And it wasn't difficult

To forget myself

And try everything

To get me on the wing

And fly to fame

The flight to fame

Too much wondering

And too much time to try

Everything

That I was wondering about

Verse 2

I was sitting on a stage

Staring at a page

That was covered

With my face

I was sitting all alone

Always, all alone

No matter

How many people are in the room

And it's too late to turn back now

And it's too late

To change my mind

(Chorus)

And it wasn't very hard

To discard

All the things that I knew better than to try

And it wasn't difficult

To forget myself

And try everything

To get me on the wing

And fly to fame

The flight to fame

Too much wondering

And too much time to try

Everything

That I was wondering about

Verse 3

Are you wondering about

How the flight to fame feels

Are you wondering

If it is surreal?

Let me tell you something

Let me give you some advice

Close

Your

Eyes

And stop

Wondering

Stop wondering

(In a male voice over an intercom) The 4:00 flight to Fame has been cancelled. I repeat, the 4:00 flight to Fame has been cancelled. We're sorry about any inconvenience.

Song 4 (We'll Blow Your Ears Out album)

Hello, Pain

Written by Kevin James and Joel Bennett

Composed by Joel Bennett and Jackson Aepatt

Verse 1

I don't really wanna be here

But I don't wanna go anywhere else

It's just that when she's near

I can't think about

Anyone else

(Pre-chorus)

A day with the girl who broke my heart

A day with the one who made it start

Chorus

It's stabbing, stabbing,

Aching, aching

Breaking, breaking me

I'm hurting, hurting

She's flirting, flirting

Breaking, breaking me

And I see it in her eyes

I can see right through her disguise

She's doing it on purpose

Verse 2

How many days

How many nights

Did I waste

Did I throw away on her?

I know

It's part of life

But I can't stand how much I

Miss her

(Chorus)

It's stabbing, stabbing,

Aching, aching

Breaking, breaking me

I'm hurting, hurting

She's flirting, flirting

Breaking, breaking me

And I see it in her eyes

I can see right through her disguise

Verse 3

You never know

(you never know)

'Til it's too late

('Til it's too late)

You never see

(You never see)

That it's a mistake

You'd never guess

(You'd never guess)

That hidden under that dress

(Hidden under that dress)

Was a monster, waiting to tear you apart

(Chorus)

It's stabbing, stabbing,

Aching, aching

Breaking, breaking me

I'm hurting, hurting

She's flirting, flirting

Breaking, breaking me

And I see it in her eyes

I can see right through her disguise

She's doing it on purpose

She's doing it on purpose

She'd doing it on purpose

Yea, yea, yea

I don't really wanna be here

But I don't wanna go anywhere else

The music for these songs has been written and will hopefully be posted here eventually :)

© 2010

Spoon part 6

Our first stop was Seattle. The bus pulled up to our hotel and was immediately attacked by screaming fans. Our guards formed a pathway for us to get into the hotel. Luther stepped out first, holding a strap of his backpack with one hand and waving to our fans with a wide smile with the other. The fans exploded in screaming, some calling out his name, others the band name, and some just screaming wildly. Kevin stepped out next, waving with his nervous laugh. The screaming exploded again. After him was Joel, who stepped out with his head down. He lifted it and gave a lopsided grin the fans. The screaming exploded out a third time, more girls screaming out his name than had screamed for Luther or Kevin. I heaved a sigh and stepped out of the bus, giving them what they wanted- I stepped out with sunglasses on and took them off slowly, squinting out at the fans and lifting the side of my mouth just slightly. The yells were louder than with any of the other members, almost every girl screaming out my name, the hands that once been just reaching out now clawing at the guards to get closer to me. I shifted my duffel bag on my shoulder and ducked my head down, following the other band mates into the hotel quietly. That feeling, everyone lunging for me, screaming my name, risking everything to get closer to me, would have been exciting, adrenaline-building. I could have lifted my fist and gave out a whoop-or, at least, a girlish cheer- if only they were screaming for me. It was my voice they knew, but the face, the hair, the classic squinty-eyed, one side of the mouth lifted expression- that was all Jackson's.

I was happy to find out that we all got our own beds at this hotel. Finally, I would be able to stretch out my legs without being worried that I might kick Kevin. I threw my duffel onto my bed and fell backwards onto the soft covers, letting out a huge sigh. Kevin laughed and sat down on the bed next to me-even when we were on separate beds, some subconscious sense kept us close to our normal partners- and said, "I don't know how you do it, man. Don't get me wrong, the fans are just as exciting for me despite you getting a louder reaction, but, man, you just give them this, like, uncommitted face, like you've got better things you could be doing, and they fall to their knees." I laughed, "Oh, I doubt it's actually me. If you were the lead singer, and you gave them that face, they'd fall to their knees for you." Kevin laughed, "Touche." I sat up on my bed and watched as everyone settled onto their beds, letting themselves relax for a minute, and I reveled for the millionth time at the not-so-great odds that all of my band mates were attractive. Kevin, with his sandy blond locks that almost looked like they belonged on Edward from Twilight, his thin green eyes sparkling at the face of fans as his high-boned cheeks went red. His lips, as thin as his eyes, which he was never able to hide a smile with. And his body, the most buff of the three guys, which was completely toned and showed all of the working out he did. Then there was Luther, who was adorable in that goofy-halfback-guy kind of way. I could picture him slapping the hotshot quarterback on the shoulder after a good game with a huge grin, never taking the credit, always stepping back to let someone else bask in the victory, even when it really should be his. He had the classic light brown buzz cut, round-ish face, bright brown eyes, lips that were shaped for smiling, and a body that wasn't completely toned like Kevin, but was clearly kept in shape and had a good amount of muscle. And, of course, there was Joel. He-with-the-afore-mentioned floppy brown hair and big blue eyes that held a fascinating amount of emotion in them all the time. His face was sharp and rugged, yet smooth and lightly tanned. His lips were just full enough so that they were not girly but not thin. His body was not quite lanky, but not buff, either. He had some muscle, but somehow, the way he held himself made him look like, if he had to, he could beat you up worse than Luther or even Kevin ever could. Standing next to them, it was crazy to me that the fans found me the most attractive of all of them. Sure, my eyes were nice-bluish-green, or, as one fan described them, "The color of a wave as it's lifting up out of the ocean, right before it crashes." (That was a quote from a fan page that Luther thought completely necessary to read to me, that I had to pretend to laugh at when really I was cringing inside.) I had high cheekbones, not as sharp as Joel's but not as round as Luther's. My lips were full, fuller than Joel's, which was great when I was a girl but something I thought would be a weakness for me as a guy. Turns out, full-lipped pouts are the perfect accessory for a rock star, especially with the sparkle of my fake upper-lip ring to embellish them, giving my mouth the true rocker appearance. My eyelashes were long, but not so long that they looked weird for a guy. My wig, I had to admit, was cool-despite looking emo in my opinion. It, like my agent had assured me, did make me look like an emotional rock star. And my body, from an outsider's point of view, probably looked like the typical lanky, long, thin, hardly-muscled singer's body. Really, it was just the body of a girl who hated most sports and therefore didn't get a lot of exercise, but had a fast metabolism and did not get overweight, despite the insane amount of ice cream that I inhaled every day, which would probably catch up to me eventually, giving me all sorts of health problems. My skin was pale, never tanned, no matter the amount of sun I was revealed to. But it also didn't freckle. Overall, I looked like exactly what the world though I was- a dreamy lead singer of a rock band who sang instead of playing sports and stayed in my basement to write music instead of standing in the sunshine to tan, fully equipped with heart-stopping eyes and black, swishy hair that would cover those eyes when I angled my head toward the ground, creating the perfect you-can't-have-this effect. Really, though, I was just a girl with high cheekbones and pretty eyes who didn't work out and couldn't tan.

© 2010

Spoon part 5

"Rrrroad TRIP!" Luther yelled as he stuck his fist out of the window by where he was sitting on one of the couches on the bus, pumping it in the air as the bus finally started. Kevin plopped down on the couch opposite Luther and I slung my duffel bag over the side of the couch and sat down next to him, breathing a heavy sigh. Joel sat down in the single large arm chair that sat in front of the "wall" which had the two large beds on the other side. Kevin and I shared one and Luther and Joel shared the other. If they knew I was a girl, I'd probably get one for myself, and the three guys would share the other. But they didn't know, and so I lay next to Kevin every night and heard his snores too close to my ear. I was just relieved that it was Kevin and not Joel I had to bunk with. Kevin was a noisy sleeper-snoring louder than my dad and sometimes muttering to himself- but being that close to a shirtless Joel would not help me get the sleep that I desperately needed if I was going to make it through another tour. Luther pulled his fist in and closed his window, then crossed the couch and leaned over the side, flipping the mini fridge open and searching for his drug- Pepsi. The fridge was stocked with all of the band's addictives- Luther's Pepsis, Kevin's Subway sandwiches, Joel's Sour Patch Kids and, surprisingly enough, peaches, and my ice cream. All together, we had a reasonable amount of food to keep us on a regular teenage-guy diet. Of course, I was actually a teenage girl, but perhaps with all the faking I was doing, my body had adjusted to the male tendencies, too.

I lay in bed that night, next to Kevin, and listened to the breathing of the three guys. I wondered vaguely if my breathing, female, was noticeably different from theirs. I got out of the bed and walked stepped out by the arm chair. I stepped around it and pulled open the door of the tiny bathroom. The bus pulled to a stop at a red light and as it started again, I locked the bathroom door and took off my clothes, letting out out a sigh of relief as I took off the chest-hider. I stepped into the shower and let the water cover me, not quite hot enough but satisfying none the less, and scrubbed at my long hair, relieved to let it out, to leave the wig by the tiny sink. I stayed in their for a while, or at least a while for a tour bus shower, before I heard the knock on the door. I jumped, immediately covering my chest and pulling my hair back. "Jackson? You in there?" Joel's voice called in. "Yes," I answered quickly, forgetting to use my British accent. I cleared my throat and said, with more English-tone, "Yes, I'm in the shower."

"Ok, well, don't stay in there too long. I gotta go to the bathroom, and you're gonna use up all the water." I coughed, "'Course. I'll just be a minute." He said nothing in response and I quickly turned off the water, slipping a clean pair of underwear on, along with my chest-hider thing, wrapped a towel around myself, and tugged my wig back on, fixing it so that it wouldn't fall off and splashing it with sink water as quietly as possible so that it looked like I had just showered with it. I stepped out of the bathroom, clutching the towel to myself in a way that I hoped didn't look to girly, or could at least pass as another "English Guy Thing". Joel nodded at me and stepped into the bathroom. I grabbed my duffel, threw on an oversized T-shirt and sweat pants, and went back to the bed in the back of the bus, hoping I hadn't also woken Kevin or Luther.

© 2010

Spoon part 4

"Tour starts tomorrow, guys," Luther said with a wide grin, "Are you dudes ready for some serious steakage?" 'Steakage' refers to the band's every-two-hour stops at steakhouses. Our first visit to a steakhouse was the idea of Kevin, and it was all downhill from there. That's one good thing about being in a band full of hot guys who don't know that you're a girl: you can eat extremely greasy, messy, all-around nasty-looking baby-back ribs, and even get seconds, and not feel embarrassed at all. "And ice creamage," Kevin added, shooting a grin at me. I laughed, "You got that right." The band was named after the one thing I keep with me at all times- 'Spoon'. Ice cream is my one and only, my prime obsession, right underneath music on my list of Greatest Things On Earth, and our stops at Ice Cream Parlors and Frozen Yogurt shops are almost as often during tour as our steakhouse stops. Joel glanced at me, "Are you bringing your girlfriend again?" I laughed at the "please don't" tone of his voice and said, "Sorry, no. I know you'll miss her." He breathed a small sigh of relief, and Luther, who, unlike Joel, got along very well with Jeanette, furrowed his eyebrows and asked, "Why not?" I shrugged, "She's got school, you know. I think she's coming on the next one, though. She just wanted time at home." Luther pouted, "Bummer. We liked having her along." Joel rolled his eyes, "Speak for yourself." I laughed and punched him in the arm, and he put his hands up, "All respect for you, man, but she gets on my nerves. Too hyper for my taste." I laughed. Jeanette was hyper, but she was also one of the sweetest people alive-and one of the six who knew who I really was. When I had finally succumbed to the fact that the whole male-superstar thing was a done deal, no backing out, she jumped in and volunteered to be my fake girlfriend. She said it would be good for me to have a girlfriend from the, quote unquote, "outside world", because it would make me seem more relatable, not too stuck up. And, it might help keep girls off my back a little bit, knowing that I was taken, had been for a while, and would be for a long time. That part didn't really work too well, but I agreed to it anyway because it meant being allowed to be seen in public with my best friend-in my Jackson costume. Katherine, too, was in on the secret and allowed to be seen with me. Until now, she had just been the sort of third wheel, the girlfriend's best friend who, through connection, had also become one of Jackson's best friends-but now, with the rumor going around that I was cheating on Jeanette, we might actually have to put out her story, of her being my second-cousin, or whatever. "Is Katherine coming with us?" Kevin asked. No, Kevin does not have a thing for Katherine. Quite the opposite, actually. A rivalry. Every time they're together, you can practically feel the tension in the room. "No," I said, and Joel and Luther breathed sighs of relief just as Kevin put on a satisfied smirk. I rolled my eyes, "Loose the grin, Kevin, you didn't scare her off. She's got school, too, believe it or not." Kevin rolled his eyes, "Excuses, excuses." I rolled my eyes just as Jeanette's car came to an abrupt stop on the road. "I'll see you guys tomorrow," I said as I pulled open her passenger door. They waved and I got into the car. "Hello, boyfriend," Jeanette said with a grin, just to bug me. She frowned, "I'll miss you when you go on tour. Who will I paint my nails with?" I rolled my eyes, "Jeanette. You don't paint your nails with me now. I can't have pink nails when I perform." Jeanette tilted her head, "Oh. Right. Yea, well, I'll miss seeing you stuff yourself with ice cream all the time. I laughed and took of my wig, shrugging out of my jacket and putting my hair down, around my shoulders, just in time to pass the paparazzi van waiting for me without having Jackson spotted.

© 2010

Spoon part 3

There are some things in life you never get used to. Wigs is one of them. Hot band mates who think you're a guy is another. "Hey, Jackson," Kevin greeted me as I stepped into the recording studio. I waved and dropped my duffel bag on the ground. Luther turned at the mention of my name and said, "Oh, hey, Jackson. Wanna hear something awesome that makes me hate you even more than I already do?" I laughed and replied in my fake but convincing, (months of practice will do that for you,) British accent, "'Course. Don't I always?" He grinned for a second and then frowned as he told me, "My girlfriend won't stop bugging me. She says, 'You spend more time in each day with Jackson Aepatt than with me, and you still dress like a hobo?'" I laughed again. Luther really didn't dress that badly. The label would never let him. But of course it was nothing compared to the clothes of Jackson Aepatt. I wonder why that is? Maybe because Jackson's clothes are picked by women? Kevin laughed and said, "Yea, well, apparently style comes with being English." I nodded, "Mhm. Born with all the skills needed to catch a girl quickly and lose her even faster." Kevin laughed and high-fived me. The door closed behind me and I turned to see that one guy that made every day of my life that much harder. Joel, (pronounced joe-ell, not joll,) the hottest guy in the band, if you don't include the male version of me. (Yes, I do make a gorgeous guy. I'm allowed to say that without sounding snooty, because I hate this fact and wish I could just be a pretty girl.) If he was just a super hot guy with a moody personality who cared about nothing but fame and fortune, then I could get over it and pull off my boy-charade quite well. Unfortunately, he wasn't. He was a brown-haired blue-eyed lyricist who preferred spending hours writing the the lyrics for our songs over going out and spending the money the songs made. He was the bass player and he would get so lost in the music that he would close his eyes and lulled back his head. He was everything that everyone thought I was. And thus, he made my life a major pain as I pretended he was just another guy and that I wasn't attracted to him at all, as I took his smacks on the back and spent countless hours on a tour bus as he fell in and out of sleep and said nothing to him that had any sign of flirting within it. "Hey," he said as he stepped into the small room and picked up his bass. I nodded at him and looked quickly away, keeping my eyes on the microphone in front of me. Not glancing back at those gorgeous eyes as we started playing, not glancing to see how long it took before he closed them and leaned his head toward the sky.

© 2010

Spoon part 2

"Is Jackson Aepatt cheating on his girlfriend of three years, infamous Jeanette Thatcher, for another infamous teen, the red-headed Katherine Heshmatpour?" I rolled my eyes and looked away from the magazine that the girl in front of me in line was reading as she waited to be rung up. She moaned to her friend, "Ah, I love Jackson so much. He is the most gorgeous guy on the face of the Earth." Her friend nodded in agreement and they both stared at the photos of me with google eyes. As usual, I felt sick. If only they knew they were drooling over a girl. The girl behind them in the grocery store line, to be exact. I cleared my throat and the one holding the magazine glanced back at me, rolled her eyes slightly, and moved forward in the line.

"Jeanette?" I called into my house-Jackson's house, that is- putting my bag of groceries on the kitchen counter. "Hey, baby," Jeanette said playfully as she stepped out of the living room. I groaned, "Please, no more. These two girls were drooling over Jackson at the grocery store. I felt like throwing up." Jeanette laughed and said, "You'd think you'd be used to it by now." I tipped my head back, "Nope. Never." She laughed and walked back into the living room, wherePride and Prejudice was playing on the flat screen. I went to the freezer and took out the carton of Chocolate Haagen Daaz, pulling the spoon out of the back pocket of my jeans. (More on that later.) I walked into the living room and sat down on the opposite side of the enormous couch as Jeanette was on. "Did you hear, I'm cheating on you with Katherine." Jeanette wrinkled her nose, "Says your agent or says the stands?"

"The stands. You know I'd never do something like that to you." Jeanette rolled her eyes and crossed the couch, sticking her finger into the Haagen Daaz carton and pulling out some of the ice scream, sticking it in her mouth. The front door closed and we both looked over to see Katherine come in. "Hey, Kat," Jeanette said as she slid back to her side of the couch. Katherine waved and stepped into the living room, falling onto the couch between us. "So the magazines are saying you're having an affair with me," she informed me. I nodded, "I know. How shall we convince them that we're just friends?" Kat wrinkled her nose, "I could admit to being you second cousin." I laughed and leaned back into the couch, watching the extremely-female movie and letting myself forget about my alternate universe's fame for just a minute as I sat on his couch with is girlfriend and rumored lover.

© 2010

Spoon part 1

Prologue

"Jackson! Jackson!" Screaming girls, everywhere. Grabbing at my clothes, pushing through the guards around me, their manicured hands scraping against each other as they battle to get closer to me. The music I've just played is still bouncing off the walls of my head, my ears overwhelmed by the noise. I push past my band mate, who looks even more excited than usual, and crash into my dressing room, slamming the door behind me and locking it. I can still hear the screams and the fists pounding, but it's not quite as loud. I walk over to the full length mirror and stare at my reflection: the loose leather jacket my agent bought me, the jeans I stole from my brother's closet, the leather wristband Jeanette gave me. I look at my body, covered completely, camouflaged to blend in with the male race. Finally, I look up at my face. It's completely covered in sweat, my lips parted. I look at the little details, the things that my agent finds necessary to cover up. My eyebrows, for one thing. The added hairs-fake hairs-so that they don't look like my real, groomed eyebrows. The tiny beauty mark by my left eye, covered in waterproof, completely unnoticeable cover-up. And, of course, the fake lip ring on my upper lip, because it's impossible that one of me could have a whole on it's top lip and the other couldn't-or so we want people who doubt my identity to think. Then I finally meet my eyes-brown, big but narrowed permanently- the one thing about me, other than my bone structure, that my agent agreed didn't need to be hidden from the world.

Chapter 1: Jackson Aepatt/Kristin Smith

I never planned on becoming a world-famous male singer. It all started when I auditioned for the October talent show at my school, wanting to cover the song Uprising by Muse. I went all out, wearing my Halloween costume-I was going as a boy-to the audition. I didn't get in, though I covered that thing crazy well, you wouldn't have known I was girl if my costume hadn't been so unrealistic. Mrs. Acot said my performance was "inappropriate", that I was promoting gender insecurities or something. Whatever. Anyway, turns out she was the only one who felt that way, because this woman, who had just been stopping by the school to pick up her nephew, saw my audition and asked to talk to me in private. She pulled me behind the auditorium and told me the words I should have cowered away from. The words I should have realized were not a good thing. "I can make you a male superstar." Male superstar? What high school girl in her right mind wants to be a male superstar? I did, apparently. Or at least I thought it would be entertaining to try. I didn't realize how big this lady was, didn't know how many superstars she had actually made. But I found out fast enough. First, she made my identity. She went all out, buying me a black wig that I thought made me look like an emo, but she claimed made me look like "a deeply troubled, emotional, edgy rock star." Right. Sure. Anyway, she bought me the wig, a whole new wardrobe, (which would have been awesome if it wasn't all guy clothes,) and this weird SPANX-like thing that covers your chest instead of your stomach. I was concerned that if I wore it for too long, I would end up flat-chested, but she rolled her eyes and said "Don't be unreasonable." I didn't see how that was unreasonable, but whatever. So she hauled me around in my guy-costume to an endless amount of auditions. Just when I was going to tell her that I didn't want to do it anymore, that I didn't really want to be a male superstar anyway, someone called her back. And just like that, I was signed to this huge record company. And they were going to make me into a superstar.

© 2010

Nibble part 19

"What are you doing here?"

"Did you hear what happened to me?"

"How did you get in here?"

"Why are you holding my hand?" These are all options, things I was expecting him to ask me. Instead, he said to me, "You have very small hands." My blush, which might have faded slightly if he had asked me one of the previously listed questions I expected, instead stayed bright red at this statement. I swallowed and nodded quickly. My forehead was covered in sweat now, and Nick wrinkled his nose and said, "Aren't you supposed to be in school right now?"

"Oh, um, yea." I closed my eyes, trying to distract myself so that I could speak clearly, "But, um, you should be too." I opened my eyes and his half smile appeared on his lips for another second. He chuckled again, "Yea, I guess I should." He yawned, obviously exhausted, and I said, "Oh, don't stay awake for my sake! You should rest." Nick didn't argue, leaning his head into his pillow and closing his eyes. I watched him as his chest lifted and fell over and over, and eventually the rhythm of his breathing tired me, and I leaned my head against the back of the chair I was sitting in and lulled off.

"Excuse me," a woman said, nudging my shoulder with delicate hands. Startled, I woke up quickly and took in the woman. She was small, probably little over 5 feet. She had long dark brown hair and little wrinkles between her eyebrows, indicating that they were regularly pulled together in aggravation. She had mesmerizing green eyes, identical to her Nick's, so guessed that this must be his mother. "May I ask..." she hesitated, and then said, "Who are you?" I blinked, laughed quickly, and sat up in the chair, my cheeks red again. "I'm Remi. I...um...go to school with Nick." Now the woman crossed her arms over her chest, "So do a lot of other people." I laughed quickly again, "I'm, uh-" it was my turn to hesitate now, and then I said, quickly, before I could think better of it, "I'm his girlfriend." I heard a cough, and looked over to see that Nick was awake. Not just awake, full on sitting up. Now he was choking slightly, as he had been drinking something when I told his mother...that I was his girlfriend. I looked back at his mom, shocked, and asked, "If he's awake, why didn't you just ask him who I was?!" Nick, who had stopped choking now, chuckled slightly again. Nick's mother ignored my question and turned back to Nick, "Is that true? Is this young lady your girlfriend?" Nick looked his mother straight in the eye, lost the grin, and nodded sincerely. My eyes were the size of golf balls. "Well," Nick's mother said then, turning back to me with a small smile, though her eyebrows were still drawn together, "Nice to meet you, Remi. Nick didn't tell me he had a girlfriend." She glanced back at Nick, and he looked down at his injured hands, but I caught the blush on his cheeks. And it shocked me as much as the last time I saw him blush. "Oh," I said, "Um, yea, well... we, uh, just... just started, like, going out. Or whatever." I saw Nick smile slightly, holding in a chuckle, and my cheeks remained as red as ever. "Huh," his mom said, once again glancing at him. "Well," she said again, "it's very nice to meet you. Nick's never introduced me to a girlfriend before." Nick scoffed and said, "That's because I've never had one before, mom." His mom drew her eyebrows farther together, "What about Lekisha?" He rolled his eyes, "I wouldn't call eighth grade going out a girlfriend." His mom shook her head, seeming like she wanted to defend that her son was appealing to women. I found this strange, but I said, to reassure her, "Well, I'm sure that's just a lack of him asking people out. He probably would've had a girlfriend if he asked anyone." Mrs. Angel laughed and Nick blushed again, looking away from me.

© 2010

Nibble part 18

"I need to see Nick. Nick Angel."

"Are you immediate family?" the desk lady asked me. I wrinkled my nose, "Um...no." She gave me an expression that said, then what are you doing hear, idiot? I sighed and pulled at my hair, pacing back and forth in front of her desk, my breath coming out unevenly. I spun towards her, "I'm his girlfriend. Can I go? Please? Now?" She rose an eyebrow at me and nodded slowly, telling me his floor and room number, most likely more for my sanity than because she was actually allowed to admit me to his room because I was his girlfriend. Which I wasn't. I probably looked like a total psycho, and I made a mental note to look more sane when I exited the hospital so that she wouldn't make a call to send me to the loony bin.

"Nick?" I practically screamed as I threw the door of his room open. The nurse immediately shushed me, stepping in front of me so that all I could see of Nick's slight shift in bed at the the sound of my voice was his feet moving slightly."Who are you?" she asked in a whisper. I blinked, "Remi." She rolled her eyes, "Nice to meet you, Remi. How are you related to Nick?" I laughed nervously, "Oh, um, right. I'm his girlfriend." Liar. The nurse, a petite African-American woman who looked like she would ordinarily be nice but was running on very little sleep and was short on patience, rolled her eyes up to the ceiling and kept them there as she said to me, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave, Miss." I didn't skip a beat. Well, my heart did. Quite a few, actually. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a heart attack right then and there. "The woman, at the bottom-I mean, um, the woman downstairs, behind-at the front door-I mean desk. Um, yea. She said I could come up here." The nurse closed her eyes and said, "I'm going to step out for a minute. You can stay, but if you are any sort of a pain to me, you're out. Got it?" I nodded quickly and she slipped out of the room. I hurried to the side of his bed and plopped down in the chair there, taking his hand in mine almost subconsciously. Like, that was kind of the required thing to do for a person who had just ditched school and driven five hours to be with a guy who was in the hospital. He was asleep, and I had never seen him so vulnerable-looking. No doubt, I never would again. His eyes were closed and his mouth was calm upon first glance but, after further inspection, was actually brought down a tiny bit on one side, so that he looked troubled. His white hair splashed out on the pillow behind his head, the only part of him that was still the same, clean. His left eye was purple, right one bluish-green. His nose looked like it had been pushed out of its original position, and now it was somewhat crooked, leaning slightly away from me. His lip was split in the middle, and his chin had a purple bruise, making him look like he had a beard. His forehead had a huge gash mark, dried blood surrounding the almost see-through bandage. And that was only his face. His legs, thank God, were in one piece, and so was his right arm, but his left had a cast. The not-broken arm was covered in blue and purple bruises. No doubt his legs were bruised, too. I was bawling immediately. Unfortunately, I found out Nick was not a deep sleeper. "Wha-what?" he asked, waking up slowly. Automatically, he reached up with the hand that wasn't in mine, the broken one, to rub his eyes, only to wince loudly in pain and put his arm back on the bed. He turned his face to look at me and repeated, "What?" His eyes were tired, narrowed, not quite open. He looked, now, not at his broken arm of the huge bruises on his other one, but at my hand. Or rather, his hand. Our hands. Intertwined. His eyes lingered there, waking up, widening so that they were at the point of a normal person's eyeballs. I watched his face closely and the side of his mouth that had a minute ago been barely noticeably turned down now turned slowly up. Just slightly, but noticeably. My face immediately went beet red, but for some reason, I didn't pull my hand away. His eyes slid up from our hands now, lingering for a moment on my lips, which were parted slightly, willing themselves to say something but failing. His lip turned up slightly more at that and then his eyes made their way up to meet mine. The tiny corner lifted into a full-on half-smile. "Hello," he said, and his voice, as usual, caught me off guard. My pulse raced and I could feel the sweat formulating on my forehead. "Hi," I squeaked, my voice cracking. I immediately covered my mouth with my other hand and wondered if my face had reddened any more in that second. If that were possible. His half smile lifted, and he chuckled slightly under his breath. His smoker's chuckle, though he wasn't a smoker.

© 2010

Nibble part 17

I walked up to my locker and Lindsay was already standing there, waiting for me, an expression on her face that said I have something to tell you and it can not wait. "Hello, Lindsay," I said with a sigh as I spun the lock and opened my locker. "So?" she said impatiently. I glanced at her through my peripheral vision, "So?" Her expression changed to one of shock, "You didn't hear?" Now I turned to face her, "Hear what?" She rose an eyebrow, like she was having a really hard time believing that I hadn't heard whatever it was she knew that I didn't. "Hear what, Linds?"

"About Nick!" My pulse quickened. I couldn't help it. It was an automatic response. "What about him?" I asked, trying to sound casual, turning back to my locker. "He's in the hospital!" she exclaimed, her eyes huge and her eyebrows high. Now I spun to look at her again, "What?!" She nodded vigorously, "Has been since last night! You really didn't hear?" I sighed in irritation at her and pressed, "What happened to him?!"

"That gang." My breath caught in my throat. I swallowed and inquired, "What do you mean, that gang?" She rolled her eyes, "It really was the fault of no one but himself. Well, I mean, not literally, but-"

"What happened?!"

"He was like chilling in an alley or something at like four in the morning and then, big shocker, that gang going around town got him. Like, seriously, what the heck was he expecting? That is like, so what not to do at four AM, like, period, let alone when there's this freaking gang paying your town a little visit." She rolled her eyes, and I was once again caught speechless. Nick got attacked by a gang, waiting in an alley at four in the morning just in case I showed up. Lindsay rose an eyebrow at me, "Remi? Are you Ok?" Now the other eyebrow went up, "Um, you're, like, super pale. Did you eat anything today?" I swallowed and took three deep breaths, steadying myself. Lindsay stared at me, wide-eyed. "What hospital?" I asked suddenly, looking up at her with wide eyes. She wrinkled her nose in that way that made countless guys drop all defenses and give in to her powers. "'Scusems?"

"WHAT FREAKING HOSPITAL IS HE AT?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. She almost fell backward in shock and then said, hurriedly, "Oh, um, uh, St. Calvin's, I think." I turned toward the entrance of the school, "I'm going."

"What?! It's, like, a five hour drive!"

"I don't care."

"Remi! Geez, what's up with you? We barely even know the guy!" she stood in front of me again as she said this, and then her expression went blank, and then immediately switched to one that asked, That's true, right? I felt only slightly guilty for lying to her-it wasn't that big of a lie, after all- as I tried to get past her. "Remi, stop! At least wait until after school!" I tried to push my way past her, but she was strong. "NO! I have to go now!" She tried harder to hold me back as I put my back into her. "Remi! Come on, you're being pyscho! What the frick, Rem! Come on! You can't ditch!" I kept pushing against her hands until she said, "That'll be two hits, Rem. On your permanent record." I stopped for a minute and my brow furrowed, and then my determined expression came back and as I finally broke away from her, I said, "I'll bet he took more than two hits for me." And with that, I hurried out to the parking lot to drive to St. Calvin's.

© 2010

Nibble part 16

"Remi?" I winced at my dad's voice and clicked the front door closed quietly behind me. I walked into the kitchen, "Um, hey, dad." He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, "Where were you?" I groaned internally. Great. Now he cared. "Um, school?" He rolled his eyes, "You know what I mean. you were not at school until 1 AM." I winced again, "Oh. Um. I was with Lindsay and Gabby." He rose an eyebrow, "Oh, were you?" I nodded. "Where?" he pressed, his tone agitated. I swallowed, "Uh, you know. Just hanging out. Listening to music." He tapped his shoe on the tile, "Until 1 AM." I swallowed again, "Um. Yup." He sighed, "Listen, young lady. I want the truth, and I want it now." I swallowed, thought about lying, and decided that my skills in that particular area were not practiced enough to try out with a risk. "We went to a concert." He rose his eyebrows. "A concert."

"Yea."

"A rave?"

"What? No! No, dad, not a rave! Geez!" He tapped his foot again, "Alright, good." I sighed, thinking it was over. Silly me. "Whose concert?"

"What? Oh, um, Muse."

"Muse?"

"Um, yea."

"That crap you blast in your room?" I tried not to roll my eyes at his referring to the close-to-silent volume I played my music at in my room when my headphones weren't plugged in, which was not regularly. "I don't blast music." He scoffed, "Maybe you don't think you blast your music." He turned away from me, "Next time, ask for permission first." I blinked, "Oh. Um, yea, of course."

"And you're grounded."

"What?"

"You're grounded. For a month." My jaw dropped, "A month?"

"He turned his head slightly, so that I could see him but he couldn't see me, "Shall we make it two?" I gritted my teeth at the commonly used phrase and said, "No," solidly. He nodded and walked into the living room with his paper, praising himself for being such a good father, no doubt. Oh, yea, he knows how to punish. How to care or love or tend or comfort, no, but he knows how to punish.

I don't know why I thought it was necessary for me to take my dad's grounding so seriously, but I sat in my room that night and played Muse on my iPod at full volume rather than sneaking out, remembering a million moments like this in the past. Laying in bed, the covers tucked over my head, the music never loud enough to cover up the sounds of our family, the sound of the yelling. I imagined my couch at the department store, the fabric untouched, collecting dust as I lay in my bed. The lights blinking subtly on the ceiling, not growing irritating as they switched the pages of my notebook from lit up to slightly dimmer over and over. And I imagined Nick, wherever he was. Outside the alley, waiting for me. Walking off, maybe, to wherever it was that he went once I was safe. Or maybe he, like me, was trying out staying at home for one night. I wondered if he was finding sleep. I wondered if something other than the insomnia kept his awake, like me. I wondered how he had become an insomniac in the first place. What was it that kept him up late every night for so long a time that it became impossible for him to fall asleep before that time? Did something trouble him, like me, or had he simply stayed up to finish homework, or to play video games? Perhaps there was a late night TV show he stayed up for. Maybe he had noisy neighbors. Whatever the reason, it had kept him up, and now, we were both awake. Far apart-but both wide awake.

© 2010

Nibble part 15

"No."

"Come on."

"No."

"Pleeease?"

"No! No way!"

"Come on. One class. One day. It's not gonna kill you."

"It goes on your permanent record."

"Remi. Honestly. One hit doesn't matter. Two hits and you're in trouble, but considering your partiality to this one, I doubt you'll ever use that second hit."

"I'm not ditching."

"Come on, Remi!" Gabby joined in on the whining now, "It's just sixth period, and this is Muse we're talking about! You're telling me you're willing to miss a Muse concert just to sit in Mr. Menchin's classroom for one more hour of your life?" I sighed and narrowed my eyes at her, and she grinned mischeivously at me, "Come on, Rem. You know you want to." I rolled my eyes, "I don't understand why we can't just get our parent's permission." Lindsay laughed outright, "Oh, right, like my parents would be cool with us ditching five minutes of school for any concert, let alone Muse. And you know you parents wouldn't either. Gabby's are more likely than ours, but that's still a long shot." Gabby shook her head, "There's no way. They hate Muse." I sighed and closed my eyes, not believing I was actually going to agree to this. "Fine." Lindsay and Gabby victory whooped, and I quickly added, "But not for you. For Muse."

The irresistible beats of Resistance filled my ears as Lindsay, Gabby, and I jumped up and down and screamed along with the lyrics. The seats were far back, but I was still overwhelmed with adrenaline and excitement. They were so close. "See," Lindsay hollered over the music to me, "Aren't you glad you came?" I watched as the lead singer sang, "This is out of control," and the back up singers leaned into their mikes, repeating, "It could be wrong, could be wrong," and I couldn't help but smile widely. "Yea, I guess so." Lindsay smiled widely and turned back towards the stage, continuing to jump and scream the lyrics we knew so well.

"You know, your plan wasn't really that great," I said to Lindsay as we drove down the highway, still hyped from the concert. "Your parents are gonna ask you guys where you were." Lindsay rolled her eyes and turned up her stereo, which her iPod was connected to. Uprising blasted over my words. "I don't care. It was worth it," Lindsay said loudly over the music. Gabby danced in the backseat, laughing hysterically and bouncing in her seat, the blast of glee not nearly used up in her. I laughed and shook my head, joining them as we sang along to the music and watched the red lights of all the cars in front of us.

© 2010

Nibble part 14

"Evening, Remi."

"Hey, Carl," I said to the old man as I stepped into the convenience store, my dad's dry cleaning already in the backseat of my car. "What are you doing out so late?" he asked me as I walked over to the snack aisle. I chuckled at the irony of this question and replied, "It's only nine thirty, Carl."

He shrugged, "Still. Too late for a young lady to be out on her own when there's a gang goin' around town." I glanced at him and said, "Oh, so you've heard about them too." He whistled, "Oh, yea. Everyone has. Took out a couple of kids just a couple of nights ago." I rose an eyebrow, "Took out? Who?"

"Out of towners, no one you know. And they're not dead, just badly injured and indebted." He shook his head, "Such a pity." I nodded absentmindedly and grabbed a package of cookies. Carl rang me up and I waved half-heartedly, slipping out of the store.

"Is that Joan Jett?"

"And the Blackhearts. The only way to go." I laughed, biting into an Oreo and watching Harrison through the computer screen as he leaned toward his speakers and turned up Bad Reputation. His roommate jumped up on his bed and started screaming the lyrics along with the music. I laughed and Harrison said, "Jason saw The Runaways, and all I've been hearing isRunaways and Blackhearts. Good thing I like them." I shook my head with a smile as I Love Rock and Roll started playing. Jason sang along to the song waving his arms and messing up the lyrics. He also screamed out the acoustic parts, and it was impossible not to laugh at the spectacle-one that was frankly typical of anyone listening to the old classic. Harrison and I joined Jason in singing along with the legendary chorus. Harrison shook his head and stopped singing with a chuckle, and Jason continued dancing on his side of the room as Harrison asked, "How was school?"

"Educational."

"More educational than Joan?" I laughed and made a face, "Hm. Not quite." Harrison chuckled and turned his head, watching his roommate dancing to AC/DC. He shook his head and turned back to me, "Boy, is he lucky he got me as his roommate. I don't know who else would put up with this every night." I laughed, "Getting sick of Jett?" He put a hand over his heart, "Never! Just his crappy dancing." I laughed again and then turned my head quickly when I heard mom's car pulling into the driveway. I sighed and turned back to the screen, "Mom's home." Harrison waved, "Bye!" and his face paused on the screen, the words "Harrison has left the chat" on the corner of the screen. I quit the chat and shut my lap top, falling back onto my bed and picking up my already-finished math homework, holding it over my head. My mom didn't acknowledge me before I heard her office door close, and I sat up and put away my homework in my background, walking to my bathroom to take a shower.

© 2010

Lingering On the Books

Hello Friends,

I really need to create a healthier diet for myself...

I bought Maggie Stiefvater's new book, Linger, (the sequel to Shiver,) at Barnes and Noble the other day, and it is amazingggg. I've only just started it-I was re-reading Breaking Dawn when I bought Linger and I was determined to finish that before I started anything new-and all this reading is the main reason that I haven't written much lately (sorry!!) Well, I mean that and doing... you know... other stuff. Anyway, Linger is amazing so far (only on page 78) and I thoroughly recommend it. Time for a new playlist, I think?

Sorry about repeating a track from the last one, but-deal with it. :)

1. Brielle by Sky Sailing
2. Cherry Bomb by The Runaways
3. Crimson and Clover by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
4. I Love Rock and Roll by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
5. Little House by Amanda Seyfried
6. Set the Fire to the Third Bar by Snow Patrol
7. Magic by B.o.B. ft. Rivers Cuomo
8. California Girls by Katy Perry
9. Dynamite by Taio Cruz
10. Ridin' Solo by Jason DeRulo
11. Uprising my Muse
12. Resistance by Muse
13. Liztomania by Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix (Phoenix)
14. 1901 by Phoenix

DANCE DANCE DANCE

I like my summer playlists. Lots.

Tootles!,

Sssssiiiiieeennnaaaa

(professional wrestler in all 60 states)

Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly..." -Hellogoodbye

© 2010

It's So Cold...

The wind bit at my skin. Bit, scratched, stabbed-telling me over and over to cover myself. Stop with the stubbornness. Put a coat on. But I ignored the longing and spread out my arms, moaning deeply and letting a sob escape my throat as my mind screamed at me to warm myself. Screamed, begged, pleaded for warmth. I bent my head back and let out a screech, a cry for help. His eyes, dancing, smiling, laughing, played over and over in my head. Screams, screams, escaping my throat-but all I could feel was the cold. All I could see was the cold. "Darling," that person, so distant now, so fake, "Come inside now."

Come inside now, sweetheart.

You're going to freeze to death, beautiful.

Lovely, what are you doing out there?

More screams. More cries. Who were they coming from, though? Me? Or someone else. Someone outside of myself, someone impossibly determined to bring him back. That distant person closed their eyes begged again, "Come in now, darling. He's gone now."

He's gone, darling.

You need to move on, sweetheart.

He's not coming back, lovely.

"No," I moaned, my hands up at my eyes. "No, no, no." Arms. Around me. Folded around my waist, pulling me away from the cold. "Stop. Don't bring me back inside. Stop it! Stop it now!"

She's not getting any better.

We've done everything we can.

She's beyond the stage of help, ma'am.

I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.

Was there really? For me, was I done for, was I beyond the point where I could return to sanity? But more than that, for him? Was there nothing more they could have done? Could they not have saved him-if only we had a little more time, a little more money, a little more warmth?

It's so cold...

Come inside, you'll be warm.

...will I? Ever again?

© 2010

Nibble part 13

"Hey, Remi," Maggie said as she walked into the kitchen, wearing

Victoria's Secret sweats and slippers with one iPod headphone hanging

from her ear. She yawned and walked over to the fridge, pulling it open

and reaching for a yogurt. "Morning, Maggie," I replied, putting a

spoonful of my own yogurt in my mouth. She yawned again and turned

to face me, "How come you guys aren't in school?"

"Oh, um, parent-teacher conferences." She nodded, "Oh. Right. Sucks

that you guys aren't on summer yet." I sighed, "Yea, wish I was in

college." She smiled, "On the quarter system." I nodded. Lindsay came

in then from the living room where her and Gabby were watching some

show that plays on Monday mornings. Weird, but whatever. "Hey, sis,"

she greeted Maggie as she crossed the kitchen to the cupboards and

searched for her favorite mug. She pulled it out and walked over to the

coffee maker. "Morning, little sister. Is Gabby here too?" Lindsay

nodded as she poured her coffee. Maggie nodded, "K, well, I'll be in my

room if you guys need me. For now, at least." I smiled in reply and

Lindsay nodded, reaching into another cupboard to find the sugar. "So,"

she said, turning to me as Maggie went upstairs, "you gonna come watch

TV with us or what?" I laughed and nodded, picking up my bowl and my

own mug and following her into the cozy living room.

My cell phone rang at its usual time as Lindsay, Maggie, and I all sat

in Lindsay's room, video chatting with Juan. I flipped the phone open,

turning away from Lindsay's lap top. "Hey, Harrison."

"Hey little sister. So sorry I didn't call you yesterday. Frat parties, you

know. Watcha gonna do." I chuckled and he continued, "But anyway,

speaking of parties. How was Maggie's? Heard she threw a big one

Saturday night." I sighed, "Yup, she did. Sweaty people, loud music,

no breathing space, awkward conversations with people not quite there.

You know, the works." Harrison laughed, "You always did have a positive

outlook on the party lifestyle." I snorted, "Oh yea. You name it, I'm there.

My favorite thing to do on a Saturday night." Harrison chuckled, "Taking

after your brother, there," he said sarcastically. I snorted again, "Not

hardly." Lindsay noticed me talking and said, "Hey, your brother should

VC with us!" I frowned and shook my head. "Aw, come on," Lindsay

protested, "Please?" I sighed, "Harrison, you wanna VC?"

"Sure. Where you at?"

"Lindsay's. Gabby's here too. And Juan's also VCing with us."

"Hey," Juan said. Harrison chuckled, "Sure. Should I request you or-"

"I already requested you," Lindsay said loud enough for him to hear.

Harrison chuckled and hung up. I flipped my phone closed and turned to

the lap top just in time to see Harrison's face pop up on the screen next to

Juan's. "Hey guys," Harrison said, "Hey, uh..."

"Juan," Juan said with a chuckle. I rolled my eyes and smiled and Lindsay

giggled, flirt mode already on.

"Remi? Is that you?" I sighed and closed my eyes momentarily before

closing my front door behind me and stepping into my house. "Yea, mom.

It's me."

"Oh good, you're home. Your father had to work late tonight. He asked me

to pick up his dry cleaning, but I have so much to do. Would you mind

picking it up for your father?" I sighed and walked down the hallway,

throwing my bag onto my bed and taking the car keys back out of my

pocket. "Yea. Sure. No problem."

© 2010

Hello There. I'm On Summer Vacation.

Hey, you,

I was walking my dog earlier and I saw some people on my street.........Apocalypse?

WHEEEEEEEE I love M&M's! And Eminem. Haha. I made a funny. (Not very funny.)

Summer Playlist #2

Ok, I probably shouldn't put every single song on the Sky Sailing record. But...I'm going to anyway, I think. Yup.

1. Captains of the Sky by Sky Sailing
2. Brielle by Sky Sailing
3. Steady As She Goes by Sky Sailing
4. Explorers by Sky Sailing
5. A Little Opera Goes a Long Way by Sky Sailing
6. Tennis Elbow by Sky Sailing
7. Blue and Red by Sky Sailing
8. Alaska by Sky Sailing
9. I Live Alone by Sky Sailing
10. Take Me Somewhere Nice by Sky Sailing
11. Sailboats by Sky sailing

And now, some other artists...

12. Love the Way You Lie by Eminem ft. Rihanna

13. Tim Mcgraw by Taylor Swift

14. Fearless by Taylor Swift

15. Here in Your Arms by Hello Goodbye

16. Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke

17. Meet Me on the Equinox by Death Cab For Cutie

Soundtrack to listen to:

I've been listening to the New Moon soundtrack a lot and I seriously forgot how much I loved it. I suppose I should probably be listening to the Eclipse soundtrack...but I haven't gotten it yet. :(

Anyway. Um. Yup.

Don't forget the address to that place I told you about,

SiEnNa

(professional wrestler in all 60 states)

© 2010

Compatible, In an Incompatible Kind of Way

For security reasons, the end of Compatible, In an Incompatible Kind of Way will not be posted on this blog. If you know me personally, I can show it to you, and I'm hoping to eventually get it published, (along with my earlier novella Enclosed and a few other work-in-progress short stories,) as a collection of short stories. Thanks, guys! :)

© 2010

Me and Julian

For security reasons, the end of Me and Julian will not be posted on this blog. If you know me personally, I can show it to you, and I'm hoping to eventually get it published, (along with my earlier novella Enclosed and a few other work-in-progress short stories,) as a collection of short stories. Thanks, guys! :)

© 2010

Me and Julian part 6

Jumpy. That's the only word I can think of to describe Laura's behavior after that night. She kept glancing over at the empty spot where Julian supposedly sat. She was tapping her spoon on the table uncomfortably, repeatedly glancing out the window, taking long chugs of her milk but not really eating her cereal. She sighed loudly and I turned, asking, "Laura, is something wrong?" She looked up from her staring into the cereal bowl and blinked at me, almost like she had only just realized I was in the room. "Oh, um, no. Nothing." I nodded once, glancing at her with my eyes slightly narrowed, and then turned around. "Well," she said, and I turned to face her again. She looked at me with wide eyes, "Um, uh, do you... do you think... uh, he says he doesn't feel like it, but," she glanced over at the empty space, and I imagined Julian sitting there, staring back at her. I wished he was real so, for once, he could be the one looking at Laura and seeing that there was something wrong with her. Seeing what he was doing to her. Though, of course, I couldn't blame him. He wasn't real. I sighed and closed my eyes for a split second. "Do I think what, Laura?" I asked, watching her carefully. "Do you think Julian looks sick?" I rose an eyebrow at her and it took me a moment to realize she was waiting for me to look at the air next to her, to look over this non-existant person and check to see if he looked ill. I sighed and glanced at the air, moving my eyes so it looked like I was was giving him a once-over. "He seems fine to me," I said. She sighed, "I guess you're right." She glanced at him again and then rolled her eyes, "Yea, yea Julian. Shut your mouth. I just wanted a third opinion." I tried not to roll my eyes as I turned back to the kitchen, back to the stove, back to the solid object in front of me that I could trust wouldn't be mistaken for something else.

"Babe," Julian said, brushing the hair away from my face, "you don't have to worry about anything." I choked, "But..."

"I'm coming home soon, baby. I'll be with you, my love," he said, burying his face into my neck. I shook my head, "No. Stop saying that. I don't know what you're talking about." Jamie glanced at me with a raised eyebrow. Of course, if I was confused with this conversation, there was no doubt she would be even more confused. "I love you, Laura," Julian said. His voice had changed. And I recognized those words, that tone. Like I had just watched a movie and then rewinded, playing back a certain scene, hearing the dialogue again, to try and grasp what they were really saying, despite having heard the words before, in the same tones. "Why are you doing this?" I asked, turning to face him, "What are you talking about?" I asked, so confused. He took both of my hands in his and Jamie once again glanced at me. "Laura," he said, "I know you know who I am." I shook my head, "Of course I do." He shook his, "That's not what I meant. I meant you know who I really am." I furrowed my eyebrows and looked away from him, "You're Julian," I whispered. I could feel my eyes welling up. "I am Julian. Your Julian. And I'm coming home to you." I pulled my hands away, tears trickling down my cheeks. "Please," I whispered, my voice low, "don't do this." Jamie turned to face me now, watching us like she wasn't interrupting something at all. She looked sort of... angry. "Don't do what?" she asked, "What is... what is he doing? What'd he say?" I looked at her, wondering why she had heard my murmur but not Julian's clear-spoken words. Why it seemed that she always heard my conversations with Julian like she was listening to me talking on the phone. She only heard my side of the story. "Nothing," I whispered. And then Julian startled me. He cleared his throat and stood up. "Jamie," he said, his voice strong and clear. I stared at him with wide eyes. He never addressed Jamie directly. Never addressed anyone directly, except me. I glanced at Jamie to see her reaction, but she was still staring at me, her eyes narrowed. I rose my eyebrows but then looked back up at Julian as he said, "Protect her, please, until I'm home." I looked at Jamie, and she stepped back, away from me, and slammed into the stove. "What..." she said, looking around the room, "who said that?" I stared at her, "What are you talking about?" I asked, confused. "Protect her 'til I come home, or whatever," she said, shaking her head, "who said that?" She looked into the living room, "Was that Jackson?" I rose an eyebrow, "Um, no," I said, and she looked back to me, "that was Julian." She widened her eyes and stumbled into the oven again. "What? No. No, that wasn't." She shook her head, laughing slightly at this like it was crazy, "No it wasn't. That wasn't... wasn't... um, who said that?" she asked again, looking around. "That was me," Julian said, tilting his head at her. She looked around, ignoring him. She didn't look like she had even heard him. She shook her head, "Whatever." She looked back at me, shook her head again, and then turned back to the oven. I glanced at Julian, and he shrugged.

© 2010

Me and Julian part 5

I had a dream that night of the before. Before Julian, before this bliss that could be disturbed by no one. That time of despair, that time when I was so alone, the only person in the world, it felt like. I didn't want to think about why that despair had came, but it was a dream, and there was nothing I could do about it. I saw that face- that familiar face, the one I still saw every day, but in such a different way- as it smiled at and stroked my cheek with it's strong hand. I felt that warmth-that warmth that I also still felt every day. But it was real in the dream. It was the full warmth, not just a memory of the warmth that I had to force myself to believe was real, was really touching me. And then the face faded away from me. I called out, begging, pleading, crying for him to return to me. Crying for him to hold me again. And then I saw that face in front of my bent knees, but it wasn't what I wanted to see. It was that same face- but the body it was attached to was in a military uniform, with a gashing hole in it's chest. The face was scratched, ripped, dirty, bleeding. The lips were parted to say my name, but nothing came out. I screamed, burying my face into the chest, letting the blood from the wound cover my face and mat my hair. I looked up as I heard footsteps coming towards me. It was Jamie, and she was watching me, her expression sympathetic. "Jamie," I whispered, and for a moment she was with me, reaching out to me, to help me, and I reached out to her, letting her take my hand- but then she pulled away. With one last sad glance at my face, covered in his blood, she turned her body completely and walked away. I screamed out to her, as I had called out to him, but she didn't turn, she just kept walking... farther and farther from me... leaving me alone with the body.

I woke up sweaty and breathing heavily. I was once again alone. I turned, searching for Julian's shadowy figure on the couch next to me. I whispered his name into the silence, and then my door slammed open and Jamie came in. "Laura, are you alright?" I furrowed my eyebrows and she said, "You were screaming. Jeez, were you screaming. You're alright?" I nodded, my eyebrows still furrowed, and said, "Nightmare." She nodded, "Ok. So you're alright? You can sleep again?" I nodded, "I'm fine, sis. It was just a dream." She nodded, "Ok. 'Night." She stood up, glancing at me again before shutting the door and padding down the hallway, back to her own room. I turned my head and whispered, "Julian?" He came out of the shadows, and I breathed a sigh of relief. "You Ok baby?" he asked, and I was filled with an unbelievable happiness at the sound of his even voice, the sight of his clean, uninjured face, even if something tugged at me, telling me that he wasn't my real Julian. I nodded, ignoring the voice, and said, "I love you." He smiled at me, "I love you, too, baby." He kissed my forehead and I leaned my face into his chest. His healthy, full chest, with no wound, no gash. I pulled back and he said in a faint voice, "Go to sleep." I nodded and lay down, facing him on the bed. Just as I was about to fall back into a deep sleep, about to dream something new, he whispered in a voice so faint I could barely understand the words, "I'll be home soon." I opened my eyes and stared at him, but he had fallen asleep again, so I closed my eyes, forcing myself to do the same, pretending he had said nothing. Holding on to my bliss.

© 2010

Me and Julian part 4

Julian laid next to me on the bed and sighed. I was sitting upright, trying to do my homework. "Julian," I sighed, putting down my pencil, "could you quit the dramatic sighing? I'm trying to do my homework, unlike some people." Julian rolled his eyes and rolled over onto his stomach, staring at my TV, which was playing a show on mute. "I'm not going to college, so I don't see the point in doing homework." I rolled my eyes, "Or schoolwork. Or tests." He grinned and I sighed, "I don't know how you get away with it. No one ever gets you in trouble for anything." He laughed, "I know, it's like I'm not even there." He sat up and started playing with the hair by my ear. I turned my face into his and let his warm lips meet mine, let him distract me for just a minute. Then I turned back to my homework and he sighed and leaned against my headboard. "Dinnertime, Laura," Jamie said as she walked by my cracked open bedroom door. Julian jumped off the bed eagerly and I rolled my eyes and followed him down the stairs. He stuck out his foot at the last stair and I tripped. "You dunce!" I yelled at him, slapping his arm even as he caught me. He laughed and kissed me lightly. I rolled my eyes, muttering, "Suck-up," and looked up to see my brother's staring and my parents and Jamie looking down at their food awkwardly. I brushed brightly, hitting Julian in the gut. He grunted in pain and then chuckled as I shuffled to the dinner table and sat down. He sat down next to me and smiled at the family, but no one smiled back at him. They were all looking at me. All except Jamie, who was staring at her food, a tear trickling down her cheek. "Is something wrong, Jamie?" I asked, concerned. Jamie looked up and coughed, discreetly trying to cover herself as she moved hair away from her face while wiping the tear, "No, nothing. I'm fine." I furrowed my eyebrows, concerned, but then glanced at my dad, who was watching her with furrowed eyebrows. I looked down at my food and didn't saying anything else, because clearly she didn't want to talk about it. At least not with dad there.

Most of the time, I could deal with Julian. Most of the time, I was only annoyed by him. But there were moments, like when she leaned her head into nothing or closed her eyes, reaching her face up to connect her lips with air, when I was overwhelmed with sadness that my sister would never be normal again. I remembered the time before Julian started visiting. She was always happy, giddy, talking to me about some boy she met but never specifying his name or saying anything about him in front of mom and dad. I was happy for her, young and in love, even if I did sometimes envy her. Then her smile became more forced, her laughs less frequent. I remember the conversation I had with her one night-

"What's gotten into you lately? You seem... down," I said casually as I layered my toe nails with the blue paint. Laura glanced up at me and then turned her head, looking out the window, her heart clearly somewhere else. "The boy," she said, still not telling me his name. I quiet tear trickled down her cheek and she immediately wiped it away. She turned back to me with another forced smile and shrugged, "He left." I remember my shock at that. He just up and left? Just like that? "Where'd he go?" I asked. She cleared her throat-clearly not sure how much she should tell me. "He, um..." she finally made eye contact with me, and in that moment, as she searched me eyes, I saw the most trust in the world. She just looked at me and decided that, yes, she could tell me her secret. Yes, she could trust me with the one thing she cared about most in the world. "He joined the army," she said, and my eyes widened to their fullest extent. She looked down at her newly-manicured feet again, "Um, yea. The air force. "

"Is he ever coming back?" I asked, louder than I meant to. She kept her head down as she shook it. It all made sense then. Her misery. That loss of the glint in her eye-the glint of love. Shortly after that is when Julian started paying her visits. And though it pains me to think of it, his coming was really partly my fault. Was really the fault of the whole family. Because I found out her secret, the cause for her pain, and I kept it myself, didn't tell anyone. Didn't say that we should sympathize with her rather than just label her sadness as hormones and let her wallow in her despair. I left her there, all alone, to deal with her pain. How could she not conjure up someone to keep her company, to ward off the loneliness, to distract her from the pain? How could we have seen him come and thought it was a joke? Why in the world would she joke like that, for so long, when she was so crushed, so lonely? She needed him. Like she had needed me, and I hadn't been there. But once I realized all of this, it was already too late. He was there for keeps.

© 2010