I spend too much time
Thinking about the past
I should move on with my life
I'm stuck in a life that won't last
But it's so hard to move on
From the life that we lived to hold on to
And it's so hard to admit I'm wrong
About the things that I've always wanted
Always dreamed of
It's not that I haven't yet realized
That the path I've been taking
Is all wrong
It's just that it's so hard to move on
When I have worked so hard
To find this place where I feel I belong
But it's so hard to move on
From the life that we lived to hold on to
And it's so hard to admit I'm wrong
About the things that I've always wanted
Always dreamed of
And I know what they're saying about me
And I know that what they say is only truth
And I realize that I'm digging my own grave
And I realize that I no longer belong
Here
Or anywhere near here
But it's so hard to move on
From the life that we lived to hold on to
And it's so hard to admit (that) I'm wrong
About the things that I've always wanted
Always dreamed of
I can remember times when I would fantasize
About the life I'm living now,
The one that's flashing before my eyes
I can recall days when I would linger
On how the success felt-
But now it's slipping through my fingers
And I know it's time to move on
From the life that I lived to hold on to
And though it's hard to admit I'm wrong
About the things that I've always wanted
Always dreamed of
I will now
'Cause I have to
I leaned away from the mic at the end of the song and caught my breath as the crowd screamed and hollered and yelled my name. I took another deep breath before leaning back into the mic and saying- in my British accent, for the last time- "I have a little something to show you guys before this is over." They probably all assumed I was talking about the concert. But I wasn't. I was talking about Jackson, I was talking about Spoon. I was talking about all of this. I stepped away from the mic and saw the guys, whose eyebrows were all raised now, from the corner of my eye before I looked straight at the stage lights and took off my wig.
"Well," Kassy said to me as I pulled open her car door and slipped in, my cheeks streaked with tears and my bags in my hands, "That was certainly not the approach I had been expecting..." She bit her lip and started the car before looking at me and saying with a little smile, "But effective, nonetheless, right?" I nodded and stared out at the road. I couldn't stop thinking about all that I heard after I had taken my wig off. First, for the first time ever since I had started performing, there was nothing but complete, undisturbed silence from the crowd. From everyone. And then they started screaming again- but for albeit completely different reasons. Screams of horror, rage, and despair filled my ears before things started being thrown onto the stage and someone pulled me quickly off the stage. I didn't realize until later that the arms that had pulled my stiff body off that stage had been Joel's. Then, when I was finally out, back in the bus- their was more silence. I sat alone on one of the couches while Kevin stepped into the bathroom- he was literally sick to his stomach- Luther stepped into the back of the bus, his head hanging down, and Joel sat across from me, staring out the window. Everyone's reactions didn't surprise me at all. I called Kassy as soon as everyone went to sleep- having not spoken a word to me- and begged her to come and get me. Luckily, she had already been on her way, having heard the news. I had packed my things in silence the next morning as the guys all sat in the front of the bus-Joel in the armchair, quietly reading a book, Kevin next to Luther on the couch, eating a Subway sandwich and staring at the ground, and Luther sitting with his hands clasped behind his head as he stared out the opposite window, his eyes dazes. I didn't even say goodbye as Kassy's car came up next to the parked bus, just walked past the guys and out the open bus doors, into Kassy's arms as she squeezed me through the crowd of paparazzi that had gathered the night before and relentlessly didn't move.
Kassy and I drove in silence now, her taking every random road she came by until she finally lost the paparazzi that followed us on a dirt road that came out of nowhere. I finally cleared my throat, "Um, do you know where we're going?" She nodded, "Mhm. I have a sister who has a house here." I rose an eyebrow, "And you know how to get there from this random dirt road?" She laughed, "No, but my GPS does." She smiled at me as she pulled over for a moment and I stared out the window as she put in the address of her sister's house, then starting again onto a different road, where, luckily, no paparazzi vans were waiting for us.
© 2010
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