Lovely, Lazy, Hot, and Not part 31

James

I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, almost not processing the night's events in my mind. I close my eyes and relive the night in my mind, just to make sure it was real.

I walked into the barn and laughed out loud at the unbelievable stereotype that was playing out right before my eyes. There was a fold-up table set in front of the animal pen doors covered in drinks and food. Another was set against the far-back wall, with large, expensive-looking speakers set up on it, music blasting out of them. There was a couch against the other wall, and chair scattered around the walls. Other than that, the place was just a barn, only minus the animals walking around and plus the dancing teenagers. It was truly bizarre. The type of thing that was so bizarre, movie writers scratched it off their script, saying it was unrealistic. And yet here it was, playing out right in front of me. As soon as I stepped into the place, Leighton popped up in front of me. She looked hot, dressed in a strapless, short little shirt and low-rise jeans that showed off her pelvis. Her hair was pulled back and braided up to her forehead, making her face, which was obviously painted with several layers of make-up-which was kind of trashy, but she did look good, I had to admit- and she had long, dangly silver earrings hanging from her earlobes. I stared at them, wondering if that much weight on your ear hurt, or if you could feel it at all. She smiled widely at me with her painted-red lips and grabbed one of my hands with one of hers, which had long, sparkling fingernails and a ring for three of her fingers. More than not. I kind of rose my eyebrows but faked a smile back at her, wondering what the heck she was doing. "I was hoping you would come," she said, taking my other hand with her other one- which also had three rings and sparkly fingernails. Now my eyebrows really shot up as I said, "Um, oh, you were?" She grinned and nodded, and then yelled over the music, "Dance with me!" Now my eyebrows were really high. "Excuse me?" I screamed back. "Dance with me!" she repeated. I shook my head, "I think I'm hearing you wrong, could you say that again?" She leaned into my ear and yelled, "Dance with me, moron!" She laughed and pulled back, and I'm not sure what my face looked like at that moment, but it was probably completely blank. Utter shock will do that to you. She turned around and pulled on my arms, pulling me onto the... dance floor, if that what you can call it. Really just a floor with people dancing on it. I didn't really have a choice, so I danced with Leighton, which was pretty much an out-of-body experience, and I'm sure I was horrible, as I was in too much shock to really process what was going on. Then, as she smiled at me and screamed something about the snack table, I hurriedly lost myself in the crowd and searched for Venice. I was about to give up and leave when Leighton found me again. She smiled widely. Again. "Where were you, I've been looking for you!" She screamed with her huge smile. I shook my head, "I was looking for..." I trailed off, looking back into the crowd. I was going to tell Leighton that I was gonna go now, but she beat me and said, "Venice, right?" I rose an eyebrow, "How'd you know?" She looked like she sighed, I couldn't quite tell because it was so loud. "Everyone knows you like her, James. If there's one thing you're not, it's inconspicuous." She rolled her eyes and took both of my hands in hers again, and my eyebrows once again shot up. "You don't need her, James. You don't need to mope over a girl who'll never be interested." Wow. Thanks for that. "You have me, James." Now I was confused. Sooo confused. She watched my expression go from offended to confused to shocked and then back to utterly, completely confused and then, finally, she reached out, cupped my face in her hands- eyebrows shot up once again- and pulled my face to hers, placing her lips on mine. I couldn't really tell you if she's a good kisser or not, though, because my body sort of fainted without actually fainting. A shock to the system would be the understatement of the century to how I felt in that moment. When she pulled away- after a considerable amount of time of me leaning against her in my not-quite-down-but-definitely-out-of-it state- I just stared at her, eyes the size of golf balls, before spinning away from her and running to my car. I'm fairly sure I heard her screaming after me, but I didn't turn back. I don't think my feet would have let me even if I'd wanted to.

© 2010

My Photography

Some of these might be used in future posts (in stories) but here's all of them at once...

© 2010

Have a Little Faith part 5

Cyrus and his family had been living in our town for a week and a half when I first saw Cyrus drafting. I was driving to the pond one morning and saw him there: following an over-the-speed-limit car on the main road, wearing a black body suit and a biker helmet, riding a thin skateboard. He was bent over, leaning forward, with his hands clasped behind his back. I swerved off the road, caught completely off guard, and watched in shock as he sped down the road behind that car. Of course, at the time, I hadn’t known it was Cyrus behind the helmet.

“I saw the craziest thing today,” I said as I walked up to the pond a while later, where everyone was sprawled out in their usual positions. “What’d you see?” Queen asked, pausing in her wading to glance over at me. “I was driving, and this guy sped past me, in this, like, full-body black suit thing, on this really thin skateboard, with a motorcycle helmet. He was drafting a car! Here, of all places! It was crazy!” I noticed Cyrus smile a little bit and walked over to him, “What’s so funny, Trace?” I asked. He laughed and nudged my shoulder, “Nothing. I just think your whole thing with anti-adrenaline is funny.” I scoffed and sat down on a log. Keira paused in her pulling out split ends and looked over at Nate, "Hey, Nate..."

"Yea?"

"What time did you say that event thing was at?"

"The Awards Ceremony?"

"Yea, that."

"Six thirty. Why?"

"What time is it now?" Keira asked, narrowing her eyes. We all stopped what we were doing- except Cyrus, who looked confused- and turned to look at Nate. His eyes widened and he quickly pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He looked at the screen and then looked back up at us, eyes wide, "Oops."

"NATE!" we all yelled in unison as we jumped up, gathering whatever stuff we had with us. "What? It's not my fault!" Nate whined, stuffing his phone back into his pocket and helping Queen fold her huge blanket. "You were supposed to be Time Keeper!" Keira groaned. "Sorry, sorry," he said, biting his lip. Cyrus watched as we all checked each other, making sure we weren't forgetting anything. And then we broke into a sprint, hurrying back to the main road where Nate's beat-up, forty-year old Mustang was parked on the side of the road. We all jumped in, including Cyrus, though he still didn't know what was going on, and Nate hurriedly started the car and drove to the school auditorium way past the speed limit.

Keira, Queen and I immediately ran to the girl's bathroom as soon as we got to the school. We changed quickly into our dresses, running Queen's brush through our hair, quickly applying Keira's lipstick to all our mouths and pulling our heels out of my huge purse, strapping them on quickly before sprinting, heels and all, down to the auditorium. The guys, of course, despite our hurrying, still beat us. Nate and Tim had both changed into dress pants and button-down shirts, Nate even had a suit jacket, though it wasn't buttoned, and they'd changed out of their sneakers into dress shoes. Cyrus was standing with them, awkwardly, wearing a suit jacket- (I guessed that it was Tim's) over his band shirt, looking uncomfortable in his black jeans and probably thanking the Lord that he had decided to wear black sneakers today. "Hey," Queen whispered quietly as she hurried under Nate's arm. Keira moved to stand next to Tim, who awkwardly complimented her, and she awkwardly complimented him back, and they stood there in all their awkwardness and pretended that they weren't attracted to each other. I snuck up behind Cyrus and whispered, "Lookin' snazzy." He turned, grinned sarcastically at me, and replied quietly, "No one told me there was an award ceremony going on." I shrugged, "Oops." He rolled his eyes and looked back at the stage, "Lookin' hot, Jett." I smacked his arm and stifled a laugh, "You are so awkward."

"And you are so not Joan Jett." I grinned and shook my head, keeping my eyes on the stage, "Oh, that hurt. How shall I ever recover?" Cyrus grinned, too, and muttered, "Build a bridge and get over it."

"You are not funny."

"Ouch. That was painful."

"Cry me a river and drown in it." He glanced at me, smiled, and looked back at the stage, falling silent as the mayor stepped onto the stage, announcing the Citizens of the Year award winners.

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 64

Kelly squinted as I walked in, as if in disbelief. "Angela?" she asked, her voice awe-stricken, "Oh my goodness, and so we meet again!" I rolled my eyes and stepped up to the counter, "Honestly, Kelly. It hasn't been that long." Kelly rose an eyebrow and pulled her lips to the side in disagreement as she said, "So what brings you here? Looking for a good read?" I smiled and shook my head, "Nope. Summer's just about upon us again. And I'm going to college soon enough." I smiled at her big blue eyes that sparkled behind her coke-bottle glasses, "I need a job." She clapped her hands together in delight, "Ah! Angela is back!" I shook my head, "Could you just call Stephen? I'm gonna go look at the new releases." Kelly nodded quickly and turned, stepping back behind the front desk and opening the door to the back room as I walked towards the back shelf that, ironically, held the new releases. Stephen always said that most book stores were all about out with the old, in with the new. In his words, "So we bring the new ones far in, and set the old ones so that they'll go out!" I grinned, remembering the stubbornness of the old man and his love for literature, and walked to the back shelf, pulling a random book off and opening it to the page where the strings holding the pages to the spine showed. I pulled the book up to my face and took a big whiff, taking in the smell of newly printed ink, unread pages, mysteries waiting to be solved by eyes falling over the pages, widening and narrowing according the words sewn together like a quilt by the author. "Ah, and so there is the Book Sniffer!" a familiar, friendly voice said from behind me. I snapped the book shut, tucked it back on the shelf, and turned to smile at Stephen. He looked the same as ever- same short white hair, excited blue eyes that were dulled not by his wrinkled face and those hands that were so tired from years of flipping pages and gliding pens along paper. "Hello, Stephen," I replied with a wide grin. "And so you've come for a job, I'm hearing?" he asked with one raised eyebrow. I nodded and smiled, "Yup. Working alongside that granddaughter of yours again will be a pain, but, you know, what're you gonna do." Stephen laughed and Kelly waved off my remark as she arranged books on the "Classics" case. "Well," Stephen said, "and so you will have it. This place will do good to have you on board again. Always were a charmer to customers, weren't you?" I smiled and nodded, and Stephen nodded back, "Ok, then. I'll see you on Monday for the afternoon shift. Still in school, aren't you?" I nodded, "Two more weeks." He nodded back, "Good, good. Always said education was the rightest thing, but Kelly, here-" Kelly shook her head, "Grandpa, I already graduated high school!" He wove her off, "And so you did, so you did. What about college?" Kelly rolled her eyes and turned away from him, shaking her head and opting not to explain to him that she was in college right now again.

"Ok. Ready?" I asked as I pulled up a chair next to Milly in the studio. She looked up from the book she was reading, "For what?" I grinned, "Next Word That Comes To Mind time." She grinned and closed her book, "You start." I grinned and said, "Music."

"Good Charlotte."

"Emo."

"Shane Dawson."

"Youtube."

"Internet."

"Facebook."

"Stalkers."

"White vans."

"Ice cream truck."

"Gum."

"Baseball."

"Babe Ruth."

"Babe the pig."

"Bacon."

"Aw. That's sad."

"Next word!"

"Sorry, sorry. Eggs."

"Chickens."

"Decapitation."

"You think of decapitation when you think of chickens."

"Well, yea. Come on, next word."

"Machete."

"Grass."

"What?"

"You know, cutting grass with a machete. Or weeds, or whatever. Next word."

"Picket fence."

"Suburbia."

"Warner Brothers."

"Animaniacs."

"Pinky and the Brain."

"Mice."

"Cats."

"Dogs."

"Snoop Dogg."

"Rap."

"Country."

"Music."

"Ohhh!" we yelled in unison, pointing at each other and laughing. My mom came in the room, her painting apron on, and raised an eyebrow at us, "What's happening in here?" Milly smiled, "Next Word That Comes To Mind. Wanna play?" Mom grinned and pulled her stool away from her easel sitting with us. "You start," Milly said to mom. Mom grinned wider, "Air."

"Wind," Milly said. I grinned, "Leaves."

"Rakes."

"Shovels."

"Horror movies."

"Scary babies."

"Black eyes."

"Bullies."

"Cliques."

"Outcasts."

"Cast Away."

"Tom Hanks."

"Angels and Demons."

"Christianity."

"Church."

"Offering."

"Money."

"Jobs."

"Cubicles."

"IRS."

"Debt."

"Jail."

"Mugging."

"Coffee mugs."

"Starbucks."

"Latte."

"Frappuccino."

"Chocolate."

"Wine."

"Light-headed."

"Balloon."

"Air."

"Ohhh!" we all yelled in unison. Mom laughed and stood up, "Well, enough of that for now. I'm going to paint, and you kids should be working on your homework. You don't want you grades to plummet in the last two weeks of school." Milly looked back down at her book, ignoring the homework comment, and I left the studio, going up to my own room and following my mom's rarely-given advice.

© 2010

I Know I Should Shut Up About Stiefvater

Just one more quick little Stiefvater-high moment:

The funniest quote of. all. time.

"My grandmother had been killed by the faeries, my best friend was in love with me, my boyfriend was a soulless assassin for an otherworldly schizophrenic, and my pillow was wet.

Ew. Why is my pillow wet?" -Lament, Maggie Stiefvater

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Haha. Ha.

That's funny.

© 2010

Oh Boy.

I keep starting to write and then stopping before the post is long enough to publish. I have all these drafts in all these different stories and I keep getting ideas that are too far into stories and just AGH. Hmph. Sorry about the delay in posting. This is why.

To entertain you non-existent people in the mean time:

I went to the mountains and took a billion pictures, most of which will be posted here. Here's one of them.

Gorgeous, right?

© 2010

Oh, and here are some souvenirs from my trip to TLOS.

Being the girl on a Stiefvater-high that I am, I wrote a Ballad-inspired poem, (yes, I admit, I have written plenty of Twilight-inspired poems, too. Maybe I'll share them here sometime.) So here it is:

Trickster

She that is a

trickster

That takes away

your will

She that promises

riches

That quickly makes you

her kill

Her iron grasp

Is tight as night

Her smoldering gaze

That whispers of day

Her tongue, which is black

You shall never turn back

For your suffering

She has taught you

To love

She tricks you with

The case of a dove

She licks you with

Her murderous tongue

She takes you with

Her smiling lips

Your life you give

Willingly, to her

The trickster

And a song, which doesn't look like much of a song and would probably sound better with a flute and bagpipes, (you'll understand if you read Ballad,) but this is the acapella version, if you will.

A ballad to Ballad

Whispers

(A)

Whispers she, "Follow me"

With whispers she promises day

With hollers you fall to the night

With whispers she promises light

(B)

With whispers she takes you away

With whispers she promises day

(A repeated)

Whispers she, "Follow me"

With whispers she promises day

With hollers you fall to the night

With whispers she promises light

(whistle A)

(whistle "light" 4x)

With whispers she takes you away

With whispers she promises day

With whispers she takes you away

© 2010

The Land Of Stiefvater

Ciao, bellas,

Long time no see.

... Rather, long time no post. Long time no read? Write? Whatever.

Anyway, haven't posted in a while, and the last time I did post I didn't post much...I especially haven't posted any parts of the stories I've been focusing on lately for a while. Sorry 'bout that. I've been busy hanging out with people, sleeping, eating fettucini (YUM), and visiting The Land of Stiefvater.

What's that? You've never been? Oh, you simply must go. It's lovely, really. The sights are to die for. Don't forget your camera.

I'll explain. Last year, around this time, (maybe a little earlier,) the book Shiver started showing up in bookstores across the country. (Barnes and Noble being my personal favorite. I visit that place a lot.) Anyway, I kept seeing the book everywhere, (like I said, I visit B&N a lot,) and I checked it out. When I first glanced it over, I was like, "Wow, Twilight for Jacob fans." Now, I'm not one of those Twilight fans who will read anything that looks remotely similar to the books. (Think Alyson Noel's Immortal series or Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy series. Which I have not read, as per previous mention.) But, despite my lack of appeal to Twilight knock-off looking novels, Shiver intrigued me and it didn't help that it seemed to be following me everywhere. So, eventually, I caved and bought it. And it was completely awe-strikingly amazing. AH-MAY-ZINGH. So, of course, I bought Linger as soon as it came out this year. I actually did a little happy dance when I found it came out earlier than I was expecting. And it was not disappointing. In fact, I think it was even better, if not equally amazing to, Shiver. And so it happened that I finished Linger and started biting my fingernails to little stubs, (stubbier than they already are, and that is saying something,) in anticipation for Forever to come out. And it's not coming out 'til 2011.

:,(

So anyway, my Stiefvater high refused to fade, especially since I tortured myself by listening to The Golden Woods and One Thousand Paper Cranes (visit the link given for more info on those) and watching every single video multiple times on Maggie's Youtube channel. (She is high-larry-us, btw.) So on my next (highly insisted to the parental units) trip to B&N, I bought Lament and Ballad. Lament was lovely and wonderful and exceptional and satisfying, and so far Ballad is all those things too. So sorry that I've been chillin' with Maggie instead of all'a y'all lately. (??) But just sayin', you should really chill with her too. A trip to The Land of Stiefvater is a trip you will remember forever. (And ever.)

Music played on the plane trip to TLOS:

1. Airplanes by B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams (of Paramore)
2. Captains and Cruise Ships by Owl City
3. Lake of Fire (covered by) Nirvana
4. Alejandro by Lady Gaga

And, of course,

5. The Golden Woods by Maggie Stiefvater

6. One Thousand Paper Cranes by Maggie Stiefvater

Ciao, bellas,

Sienna

(professional wrestler in all 60 states)

WOW that post had a lot of links.

© 2010

No Sense (anything can happen) part 7

"Vanessa?" Noah's soft voice whispered as the door creaked open. I sat up, feeling like the-girl-in-the-horror-movie-who-thinks-she's-heard-a-voice-but-really-is-just-going-insane. "Yes?"

Noah came in completely, closing the door behind him. I just watched him. "Hi," he said, smiling. "Hi," I replied, not smiling. He was silent for a minte, looking first at me, then at the floor, then at the wall. Finally, I sighed and said, "Is someone going to tell me what's going on here?" He brushed his hand through his hair. "Um," he started, "it's kind of a long-complicated-story." I looked around the room. There was a table, a chair, and a large, exquisite bed. "Looks like I've got lots of time and nothing to do with it," I replied, shrugging. Noah sighed and sat down in the chair, pulling it up to the bed, (where I was sitting.) "It's...you know what was going on with the disease, right?"

"All the gory details," I replied, a hint of anger in my tone. I didn't need to remember what happened. I wouldn't relive it in my mind now. I focused intently on Noah's cool green eyes, the calmness that even now, with him seeming nervous, radiated from them, sending a wave of calm through me. It didn't take long for this to make me forget my troubles. He smiled shortly, not noticing my inner battle or choosing not to comment on it, "Yes, well," he started, looking down, "that would be why you're here." I rolled my eyes, "Mhm," I said, "I kind of got that." He shook his head, "See, though, you shouldn't-I mean... well, how to explain this..." He bit his lip and tilted his head to the side, thinking. He ran a hand through his dark blond hair and I reminded myself that his appealing looks were all part of their game. I looked down, waiting for him to continue, "Well," he said then, "have you noticed... um... have you noticed that no one else seems to remember? The past life, I mean." I narrowed my eyes, "The past life." Noah nodded, "Yes. I mean, before you came here." I crossed my arms over my chest, "Yes," I said, "I have noticed that." He nodded, "Well," he said, looking towards the door, as if praying it would open and reveal someone else to do this explaining for him, "that's no accident."

I sat on the floor of the room and just stared at the blank black brick. Noah was long gone, telling me that Delatrix would want to council with me and would call me for dinner in a few hours. I hardly heard him though, my head was filled. Surgeries. The word was repeating itself in my mind over and over, and I had a feeling that if nothing else here drove me insane, that word certainly would. "That's no accident," he had said, and of course it wasn't, of course some part of me knew that. But surgeries? That was just... not something I would've considered. Noah told me that everyone here had been given surgeries, tweaking their memories so that they remember basic human actions like breathing, talking, walking, eating, etc... but so they had no memory of other places, no memory of other people. They created artificial memories which they then played for these people, strapping them to chairs while they were still sedated and yet awake, so that once they exited the chamber, into the quarantine bubble... those were all the memories they had. It was all just very science-fiction novel-ish to me, not quite believable. Possible, yes, but not something that any humans in their right mind would actually do. But perhaps the people here weren't in their right minds.

"Ah," Delatrix said with a wide, breathtaking smile as I was escorted into the enormous dining room, clothed in a dress that I had literally thought was a joke when a household servant told me to put it on. It was long, billowy, and dark earthy-colored. It had sleeves that stopped at the shoulders, revealing the full length of my arms. It was low cut and it hugged my waste. It was loose around my legs but not huge. I felt like something out of the middle ages. As I walked into the dining room and took in the table, I saw that I wasn't the only one. Noah, on one side of the table, was dressed in a jacket, waistcoat, and a tie. The jacket was a very dark green and the waistcoat was dark blue. Across from him was a small girl with red ringlets. She glanced up with me and I took in her bright green cat eyes, the way they glanced over me as if I was of no importance and then looked back the her plate. She had a round little face, but not too round, and her lips were plump and red. Her nose was a little too big for her face, with a bump on the rim, but somehow it suited her and made her seem all the more superior. It was only after I took in her face that I was able to look down at her ensemble. She was wearing a dress similar to mine in that it was tight at the waste and billowy at the bottom, but it was anything but low cut. It cut straight across her shoulders so that the straps lay flat on her upper arms, revealing her collarbone but completely covering her chest. It was dark red and she had on a simple dark green necklace that had a few small blue crystals leading up to one large dark blue rock. Petreus was at the head of the table closest to me and the doors leading into the room, and he was wearing a black jacket and a black waistcoat. He had no tie, however, instead sporting a necklace of his own. It was a thick black leather rope with a tiny dark silver crest hanging from it. I couldn't see what the crest looked like, but it did strike me as odd. Not that this entire dining situation didn't strike me as odd. It did. Delatrix was at the head of the table opposite me, complete in a tank-top-like strapped white gown that had the same style as mine and the other girl's, her hair piled on top of her head in an intricate hairstyle, and a necklace that had many tiny sparkling diamonds leading to one the size of a quarter. The necklace was extravagant, but the strangest part of her apparel was the thin black leather necklace that had clearly been tucked into her dress but was still completely obvious. I raised my eyebrow at this but she pretended to ignore it and continued, "Vanessa," she said the name in a voice that made it sound so much more foreign and elegant than ordinary Nessa. "Please, do sit down. Next to Anevay." I rose an eyebrow and asked, "Might I ask who Anevay is?" Delatrix rolled her eyes, "That is Anevay, in the red gown. Now sit." I rose my eyebrows and obeyed her command, taking the empty seat next to Anevay. "Since you are so curious as to the meanings of the names of members of this place, I will tell you that Anevay means 'superior'," Delatrix said as I sat down. She smiled upon the girl as if she was her own daughter, which was clearly impossible as they were obviously close in age and looked nothing alike, aside from both being strikingly beautiful. Though Delatrix was still more mesmerizing. Delatrix then continued, "Does she not look it?" I glanced at the girl, who now looked at the wall opposite her with a blank expression on her face, those cat eyes seeming bored with the world. I couldn't help but agree, "I suppose she does."

© 2010

John 15:1-8

HA! I tricked you.

Proceed to No End

Protest all you may

It will not change this day

Argue all you must

It will not break the trust

Holler out to the skies

We cannot hear your cries

Live in the way you will

Nothing shall we spill

Scoff if you think it right

You won't see us in spite

Advise, it's your choice

You are only one voice

In the sea of things we hear

So wonder if you have to

I promise, we won't blame you

© 2010

Two Alone

Shivers down her spine

Thoughts of her on his mind

She whispers "You are mine"

He came here to find

The heart that he had lost

When she whispered through the frost

"You are mine"

Before she left him there

To watch her golden hair

As she walked away

Leaving his heart at bay

And the tears in his eyes

He was rather surprised

To find himself alone

In that place, on his own

Now shivers down her spine

As he whispers, "You were mine"

And leaves thoughts of him on her mind

Two can play this game

But only one can win

For two can feel alone

With another by their side

One can still feel on there own

© 2010

I Suppose

I got here all on my own

I came here and now I'm alone

Only I'm to blame, I suppose

Though you did draw me so close

Before you let me go

You were sincere

When you said you'd stay here

You seemed so true

When you whispered, "I love you"

But it's my fault, I suppose

I held you too close

Of course I'd have to let you go

It seems the sky is clear

But it's only fog I see here

It seems the wind is dry

But I feel rain despite

It seems I've lost my mind

I need you to find

Where it's gone

Where you've gone

And for how long

And why it's wrong

I should move on, I suppose

But I'm still holding you close

© 2010

Nibble part 21

It was probably stupid to go to the alley that night. But for some reason I felt like staying in my house would be worse. And I had a feeling that Nick would go-even though he, out of experience, knew that this would be a bad decision. When I walked up the alleyway, he was standing there, but this time, he had a small can of pepper spray in his hand, identical to the one tucked in my jean pocket. I walked up to him and we just sort of stared at each other for a moment until I finally said, "Why did you come here when you know what could happen?" He rose an eyebrow and said, "Because I knew you would be stupid enough that you would. And I wasn't just gonna leave a girl to walk in an alley on her own when I just got beat up in one." He shrugged, "Besides, I heard the gang's moved on, out of this town. So we should be safe." I just stared at him for a moment longer before nodding and starting to walk down the alley, with him trailing behind me in silence.

I turned just as I was about to go into the store and watched as he started to walk away. Suddenly, I said, "Where are you going?" He turned and rose an eyebrow at me. I almost expected him to demand to see my poetry again. But instead he shrugged and said, "Why don't you come find out?" I rose an eyebrow and ran down the steps, hurrying to his side as he started walking again.

"Is this..." I started, "What is this?" He rose an eyebrow at me, "What does it look like?" I rose both my eyebrows, "Um..." my voice trailed off as I looked around the little building. There were signed CDs and records in frames on one wall and there was a tiny little glass room at the end of the hallway. I looked back at him, "A recording studio?" He nodded with a grin, "Good observation." He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked past a tired looking woman with wildly braided red hair and way to much mascara, giving her a small nod of acknowledgement as she yawned in response and poured herself a cup of coffee. I stared at Nick as he opened the door of the little recording room and sat down on the stool, picking up a guitar that was leaning against the wall and putting headphones over his ears. The tired-looking woman trailed over from the little mini-kitchen and sat down in front of the confusing-looking controls in front of the little room. "You better pay me good for this, angel." I thought she was referring to his last name, but it occurred to me the way she smiled at him and batted her over-mascaraed eyelashes that she was just saying that in a friendly way. A flirty way. Nick looked at my expression and chuckled, "Angel Studios," he said, "My dad's." I rose an eyebrow, "Wow." He nodded with a smile and said, "He would kill me if he knew I was doing this almost every night." He winked at the woman and said, "So that's why it's our little secret." She nodded and said, "So, Nicky, what will you be singing tonight?" He leaned towards the mic and said, "Covering again." She groaned, "Come on. We need some original material." He shrugged, "I don't know," he said, meeting my gaze, "Maybe if I find a good poet, she can be my lyricist." I blushed and the woman looked back at me and rose an eyebrow before turning back to Nick and saying, "Ok. Let's do this." He leaned into the microphone and as he played the first notes, singing words I recognized, I realized he was playing Right Here (Departed) by Brandy. I had never heard a guy sing this song-or anyone but Brandy, actually- and it was both shockingly incredible and yet totally Nick. His deep, scratchy voice sounded smooth, low, and warm when he sang-like warm coffee slipping down your throat in one quick motion, satisfying a craving that I didn't know I had. "When your tears are dry from crying, and the world has turned to silence, when the clouds have all departed- you'll be right here with me," he sang, and it was better than Brandy and seemed like it wasn't really surprising because I didn't expect that Nick sang but more because I had never realized it before.

© 2010

Spoon part 15

Luther was grinning like a loser when I woke up the next day on the bus as we drove on to Idaho where we would be playing before heading down to Nevada to play in Vegas. "So," he said as Joel exited the bathroom and I fell down onto a couch, rubbing at my eyes, "Joel really hit it off last night with Kristin." I blinked and looked up, my eyes wide, as I said, "Huh?" Luther grinned wider, "Joel danced with your cousin all night. Where were you?" I took in a quick breath, remembering the night before, and said, "Oh, you know. Dancing my heart out." Luther laughed, "Well, you missed it. I think our little boy is in love." Joel rolled his eyes, threw a couch cushion at Luther, and flopped down next to me. I glanced at him, "So you liked her?" I asked casually. "Are you kidding?" Luther asked, "She's even hotter in person!" I couldn't help but blush as Kevin rolled his head back and groaned, "Luther. He was talking to Joel." Luther laughed and I tried to look thoroughly disgusted as I said, "You do remember that she's actually related to me, right?" Luther grinned and threw the cushion back at me, and I stood up before throwing it on him again and going to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

For whatever reason, Kassy honestly thought the story was taken care of when it stopped being talked about after a few weeks. But then, of course, just as I was about to think that maybe she was right, and I should just calm down, it came back, full force, worse than before. "If Jackson and his cousin are so close, why is it that they're only spotted apart?" the article Luther was now reading said. It didn't have any new pictures, as I had been super careful not be spotted as Kristin lately, but past pictures did surface, and of course there were none of us together, only me going in one place and her coming out of the came place, or the other way around. I wrinkled my eyebrows, "We were both at that club. Geez, the media comes up with the craziest crap." Luther rose an eyebrow at me, "It is kind of weird, though," he said, "I haven't ever seen you guys together. I mean, sure, you guys were both at the club-but I never talked to both of you at the same time. I brought my eyebrows down farther, looking at the ground, and Kevin said, "Yea, and it is kind of weird how we never noticed her before." They were all staring at me now, except Joel, who, like me, was staring down at the ground. Except his eyes weren't narrowed, as they seemed to be often now, but instead his face was sort of blank. I bit my lip but didn't look up, didn't meet their eyes, didn't say anything in response. "It's only going to get worse," Jeanette had said, and of course she was right.

"I think," Kassy said, biting her lip as we talked over video chat as I sat alone at a booth in a cafe while the guys sat at the bar, "I think..." she closed her eyes, biting harder down on her lip. She opened her eyes suddenly and said, "I think we need to tell them." I widened my eyes, and I could feel nothing but utter, complete shock. "Them?" I said, "I... you... you mean the guys?" She smiled slightly and shook her head, "No. I mean... the world." I just blinked at her. She sighed, "We knew this was going to come some time. It's a pity it's coming so soon, but we couldn't have predicted that someone would leak the secret." She shrugged again, "I mean, I figured they would figure it our eventually... but I never thought someone would deliberately tell them." I was still feeling nothing but shock. No remorse, no panic, no relief- just shock. She shrugged again, "Anyway, we should tell them before this person does. It will just be better that we do it first, like breaking up with a guy before they get the chance to dump you." I nodded my head and she said, "Do you want me to do it? Or schedule-" I shook my head, "No," I said, a plan forming itself in my head despite the shock that was cutting off all emotion, "I have a plan." I met her eyes now, "I have to do this myself." She nodded, "Well, alright. Do it soon, though." I nodded, "Of course."

I sat in the bus, tapping my pencil over my notepad and trying to think of the right lyrics. Joel came over and sat next to me as Kevin and Luther argued over something in a magazine on the other couch. "What are you doing?" he asked me. I looked up at him, "Oh, um... writing a new song." He rose an eyebrow, "Oh." I looked back down at the paper and then up at him again and asked, "How..." I paused and looked back at the paper, and then back up at him, "Say you were confessing something. Like, to a girl, per say. How..." I bit my lip and stopped myself, looking back down at my notepad. He kept his eyes on me as he said, "I would tell her that I don't really want to confess to her," he looked off into the distance, furrowing his eyebrow, "I would tell her that I don't want to... but....I have to." I just stared at him for a moment, and then he looked back at me. He laughed, "Sorry. That probably wasn't very helpful." I blinked, "Actually," I said, looking back down at the paper, "I think you just completed the song." He grinned, "Yea?" I nodded, "Yea." He smiled, "Awesome," and got up, moving back to the arm chair. I stared at the paper for another moment before picking up my pencil and writing the rest of the lyrics, adding the title "I Have To" to the top.

© 2010

Spoon part 14

"Stay in Portland?" Kevin repeated in disbelief. Luther whistled and shook his head, "That publisher of yours sure can be a pain sometimes." Joel narrowed his eyes at the ground, his hands clamped together, and our manager-who was currently on speaker on Kevin's phone, practically growled. "Thing is, though," he said, "that woman know that you're our weakness. And though you would never stoop so low as to threaten to leave the band when you have bad publicity to take care of that stunts us, she would. As much as you're our secret weakness, you're her secret weapon." Luther chuckled, Kevin smiled slightly, and Joel narrowed his eyes more at the ground. Suddenly, he looked up and said, "I don't get it, though," catching us all off guard, as he hadn't said a thing since I told them I had some bad news, "Why is it so important that you take care of this particular story? I mean, rumors about you dating random chicks go around all the time. What's so important about killing this one?" All the guys looked at me now, and George, our manager, didn't say anything. They were all waiting for my response. I stuttered, "Oh, well, um...I guess because my cousin doesn't want to, you know, become a public figure, you know?" But it was so obviously phrased as a question that I knew this wasn't a good enough a response, "I don't know. Kassy's the publicist, not me." George laughed at that, "Indeed she is. The publicist of no fun and games." Luther and Kevin laughed, and Joel kind of smiled, but he was still staring at me, his eyes blank.

"Kassy?"

"Hey, doll face."

"I think I've found our solution," I said now, slipping into Kassy's office, clasping my hands behind my head. She put her hands out, "Let's hear it." I bit my lip, "Well. I told the guys that she was my cousin." Kassy blinked at me, "Your cousin." I nodded. She blinked at me for a while longer before looking away and saying, "That might work, actually." She looked up at me, "I'll schedule a meeting with you and People magazine." She pointed a finger at me, "You tell them that, and maybe we can just put this whole thing behind us." She looked down, typing something, and then looked up to meet my face again, "Oh, and, for future reference-try to make sure you aren't photographed, Ok?" I blushed and nodded.

And so the story was printed that the mystery girl was my cousin, who, as I told People, "...I'm very close to. She didn't want to get sucked into this world, though, you know- so I didn't tell anyone about her before now." Now, however, the new of her was out. And Kassy, set on solidifying the story, wanted this cousin of mine to be spotted at a Spoon event dancing with guys that were not Jackson. The only problem with this plan was that Jackson had to be spotted at this event, too. And so it was that I entered a club-an after party for our starting-the-tour-back-up concert- as Jackson, with the guys and a bag that was supposedly full of ice cream for the snack table. I slipped into the crowd as quickly as I could after greeting the cameras and getting into the club and sneaked into a fortunately both gender bathroom, taking the wig off and changing from jeans a button-down shirt to a short, tight, red dress and black pumps. I slipped back into the crowd, out a side exit, and then entered the club again, letting the cameras get pictures of Jackson's cousin entering soon after himself. From then on, paparazzi couldn't see me, and the inly people I had to worry about seeing both me and Jackson were the people inside the club. Back in the crowd, I immediately spotted the guys sitting together on some bean bags near the food table. They were looking around-probably searching for Jackson- and, not knowing what else I should do in that moment, I decided to... introduce myself. I walked straight up to them and said, "Hey. I'm Kristin, Jackson's cousin. You guys are Kevin, Luther, and Joel, right?" As if I wouldn't have known exactly who they were. They all immediately jumped up, as if there was still a rule that you had to stand when a woman entered the room, and I blushed as I saw them take in my appearance with wide eyes. "Wow," Luther said, shaking his head, "I can't believe Jackson never told us he had such a gorgeous cousin." I blushed brighter as Kevin nudged Luther and said, "Hey, you have a girlfriend, remember?" Luther scoffed, "So? Does that mean I can't compliment a friend's cousin? I think not." I couldn't help but laugh, and I caught Joel staring at me now, his eyes wide but at the same time narrowed, somehow. "You really do look a lot like Jackson," he said now. I blushed again, "Oh, um, yea. I get that a lot." I laughed-nervously- and started playing with my hair, tugging on it and trying not to break out in a cold sweat. Why had I come over here again? It was so weird to be standing with these guys-these guys that I had traveled to world with, shared a bathroom and a bed with, talked and laughed for hours on end with- and feel so strange, knowing that to them, I was a complete stranger. Because...I was. "So," Luther said, obviously trying to ease the awkward atmosphere, "Do you sing, too?" I bit my lip, "Oh, I mean, not really. Sometimes. But...I never really wanted to make it a career, you know?" Luther nodded, but Joel rose an eyebrow and said, "You said that in the past tense." I rose my eyebrows, "Excuse me?" Joel waved his hand, "You said 'I never wanted'. Does that mean you do, now?" I shrugged, blushing again, and then shook my head, "No, not really." He stared at me for a moment and then said, "Hm." I bit my lip and then looked back at Kevin and Luther, who were still staring at me, "So, um, how did you guys meet Jackson?" Kevin shrugged, "Oh, you know. We were all growing up in Oregon, all wanted to be musician, all had potential-"

"And all didn't do drugs," Luther continued with a grin. Kevin nodded, "Yup. So our agents hooked us up." I nodded, "Oh, Ok. Right. Cool." It grew quiet between us for a moment, and then the song Undisclosed Desires by Muse came on and I clapped my hands together and looked up at the speakers, "Oh my gosh, I love this song." Luther smiled, "Muse fan, are you?" I nodded, "Their biggest," I replied with wide eyes. Joel grinned, killing the uneasy atmosphere, and offered me his hand. I grinned widely and accepted it, and Kevin and Luther watched us with sappy grins as we disappeared into the crowd and danced together.

© 2010

Rather Than Your Pain

I’d rather die a thousand times

Than live a day without you, love

I’d rather lose a thousand smiles

Than live a day next to your frown

I’d rather feel a thousand breaks

Than see your heart get broken once

I’ll let you go because I know

That it will keep your smile

And I’d rather cry a thousand years

Than see your eyes well up with tears

© 2010

I Like Chow Mein

Awesome, awesome, awesome. Pretty much.

Had an awesome week...last week...and I FINALLY bought all three Owl City albums on my iPod. Now I just need the Sky Sailing album and the music videos...

SPEAKING of Adam Young projects...SO MUCH NEWS!!! Probably better you hear it from him than from me with my squealish girly screams interrupting every five seconds, so click here to find out and see all the info yourself. A summary, though: a new thingy-majig for OC fans is beind created called "Owl City University"...IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME. Lots of other new stuff, too, but one sad thing: Adam has a kidney stone.

:,( sad face

Anyway, so that's sad and he's too young to have that and so he probably has a bad diet but

I'm not judging because mine's probably worse...ANYWAY, so, yea, I'll be praying for him. And,

if you exist, you should too. So...yea.

Summer playlist time? I think yes.

1. The Saltwater Room by Owl City
2. West Coast Friendship by Owl City
3. Hello Seattle (Remix) by Owl City
4. Not Afraid by Eminem
5. 25 to Life by Eminem
6. Time to Pretend by MGMT
7. Resistance by Muse
8. Cannonball by The Breeders

Um, yea, that's more like half a Summer Playlist, but whatever. That last song is a classic epic known to most from the intro of the wbonderfully amazing movie A Walk To Remember. You kinda have to watch the movie to get the full effect of the song, but, yea, it's amazing. Especially the first few notes. Pure genius, my friend, pure genius. Anyway. Ciao.

Cia Ciao Bella,

Sienna

(Professional wrestler in all 60 states)

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 63

Had I just told him that? I opened my eyes, looked at his face, and then quickly looked back up at the sky, closing my eyes again. “She died last May. On the fifteenth.” He was silent. I wanted to burst into sobs, but I felt like my throat was closed. Like I couldn’t cry if I tried. “How?” Tyler asked. His voice was quiet, shaky. You’d think I was talking about someone he had known.

“Glass,” she said quickly, opening her eyes again but not looking back at me. She took one of her hands- the gloves were gone- and ran it through her hair. “Broken glass. From a window. My window. Our bedroom window. A, um, baseball...broke it.” I felt like someone had cut off my oxygen. The girl laying next to me now, the one with the face and hair and body that I knew so well, that I loved-she was someone completely different from who I thought she was. I would never be able to look at her the same again. Some people could find out about someone with a relative or a close friend that passed away and just feel bad for them. Oh, that’s so sad. How hard that must have been for them. Not me. Because I could look back on my life-the living and traveling in a van, the happy family, then the split, the separation from everything I’d ever known- and I could remember how impossibly painful all that had been. And those people-my parents, even my sister-they were still alive. They were still there. They were still something tangible, someone I could go see, at least from a distance, if I really needed to. Death, though. That was the final loss on Earth. Once they were dead, they were gone. For as long as you lived after their death, you would never see them again. And that, for me, would change everything.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. I had heard the words so many times. From people who meant it, who had also known and loved Dustin, and from people who didn’t really, who had only heard about Dustin because of the story of the tragic death of a young person. But never once had I heard it so sincere. It sounded like what it would sound like if someone who wouldn’t say sorry to me about it because it was just as bad for them-like my brother or Sean-had said it. “That,” I looked at him now, and his eyes were wet, his bottom lip quivering, “That’s unbearable.” He met my eyes now, and I needed to cry, so badly, but no tears came. I looked away from him, up towards the sky again, and nodded. “Yea,” I said, and my voice sounded rough, like I had just been screaming, “it is.” Tyler reached out and took my hand. I opened my eyes and looked at him again as he took our hands and held them in the air between us. He clenched my hand like I was the tree branch and he was the person hanging off of a cliff. He looked up at the sky and I could see the water in his eyes spill over. Normally, his hand holding mine like that would have made my heart speed to a million miles an hour-I would have widened my eyes and looked up at him, meeting his eyes, checking to see if what he was saying with this motion was real. But now...I looked back up at the sky and tears finally came, and I squeezed his hand. “I think,” I said, my eyes brimming over with tears, matching his, and my voice going from scratchy to shaky, “I think that you’re the first person who’s...stated that.” I laughed, quietly, unfunnily, “Said it like it is.” Tyler wrinkled his eyebrows. He didn’t say, “Oh, sorry,” or “I didn’t mean it to come out like that,” he just shook his head and said, “Well. I mean...” He shook his head again, and I watched as he tried to sort out his thoughts, to think of the right words, “Death...” and the word didn’t hurt, this time, didn’t make me cringe, I didn’t wish that he had phrased it differently, like “passing on” or even “kicking the bucket”, it just seemed like he was stating the facts. Nothing personal, nothing painful, just facts. “It’s not something you can get over.” He shook his head again, opening his eyes and meeting mine, “People treat it like it’s a tragedy, but it gets better in time, like you can eventually get over it and everything will go back to normal.” He narrowed his eyes now, not looking away from mine, “But that’s not true. Maybe, in time, it’s less of a grieving and more of a fleeting pain, maybe it’s something that you can live your life with, despite having it on your shoulders, in the back of your mind. But it will always be there. It will always hurt. And not just a little bit. It will always be unbearable.” I blinked at him. I looked back up at the sky, “Wow,” I said, and he replied, “Wow?” I shook my head, looking back at him, “Thank you. I mean...it just seems like no one says that. Everyone...I mean, I’ve heard ‘it’s always going to hurt’ and ‘it’s not something you can just get over’ but...that. I think...I needed that.” Tyler smiled slightly, not joyfully, “I think everyone does.” I blinked again, shocked at his words. Because they were...so true.

My phone rang in my pocket. I looked down and saw “Hawk” flashing on the screen. I sighed, “I gotta go,” I said, looking back at Angela. And I was surprised that, as she looked at me now, she was...still Angela. Maybe...maybe it was because I had really known. All along, ever since that day when she saved me from the creek, when I looked in her eyes later, and ever day after that, and saw that they were never again as focused, as set one particular thing, as they had been when she was saving me. Because something had been there, behind the other emotions I saw in her eyes. They had never been just happy, just scared, just bothered. There had always been whatever she was feeling right then...and something else. Now, it made so much sense. Now, I knew what had been plaguing her. And of course she was still Angela to me, because I had known the whole time that there was something; something huge, something life-changing, something to cause the thick back-lining of pain in her eyes. I just hadn’t known what exactly that something was. Angela glanced at my phone, “Is it that girl?” I nodded, “Sadie, yea.” She furrowed her eyebrows, “Sadie? Then why does your phone say Hawk?” I chuckled, “That’s just what I call her. Her full first name is Sadie Hawkins.” Angela looked at me now, her expression different, out of the serious setting it had taken on when we had been talking about her sister and changing to the type of serious expression that was only skin-deep, the one that said exactly what came out of her mouth then, “You’re not serious.” I laughed and nodded, “Yup. Sappy parents, met at the Sadie Hawkins dance.” Angela closed her eyes and shook her head, and I laughed as she said, “That is truly cruel and unlikely.” I smiled, “Well, um. I gotta go.” She looked back at me, “Yea.” I bit my lip, “I’ll...” She smiled, just slightly, but it sent my heart pounding again. Maybe she was plagued, maybe she was scarred, maybe she would never be the person she had been when her sister was alive. But I hadn’t fallen in love with that person. I had fallen in love with this one. “You’ll see me soon,” she said. I smiled widely and nodded, “Very soon.”

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 62

Sadie wanted to stay at the dance longer than I did. I agreed, telling her I was gonna go for a drive and I’d pick her up in about an hour to drive home. So now I drove along, subconsciously driving to Angela’s house. I didn’t realize where I was going until I was there, and I pulled to a stop outside of her house, staring into the dimly lit house and somehow feeling that Angela wasn’t there. Not that I would have gone in even if she had been. I sighed and climbed out of the car, pulling my door shut behind me and tucking my keys into my jeans’ pocket. I stared at the house for a moment longer before turning and walking straight into her forest of a front yard. I walked until I saw the outline of what I was heading for, and then I ran.

I heard footsteps behind me just as my tears came to a stop. I wiped them away quickly but didn’t sit up. I figured it was either an animal- if it was a bear, it would be better that I lay quietly rather than get up and freak it out- or a tourist trying out the invisible trails. But then I heard the voice. And my heart stopped. “Angela?” It was Tyler’s voice, and it sounded beyond surprised. I didn’t know what to say. Why was he here? “Um. Yea.” And then he hoisted himself into the tree, and I turned my head to look at him, still not sitting up. His eyes caught me off guard. They were so beautiful, so blue, his black hair, tousled by the trees, brushing along his eyelashes. But more significant than the beauty of them was the emotion in them. Surprise, pain, guilt, and one more emotion that, before this night, would have excited me and set my heart speeding, but now seemed like so much of a lie that I couldn’t find pleasure in it. “Why are you here?” I asked.

She looked into my eyes and I saw more pain than I had ever seen in someone’s eyes. More than my mom when my dad had hinted that they should split. More than my reflection in the back window of my grandma’s car as I had watched myself drive farther and farther away from my parents. More than my sister as she watched the clock, minutes before midnight, waiting, waiting, for my parents to call before her birthday officially ended. She was still in her dress, though it didn’t seem as vibrant of a red under only the light of the stars, and her hair was sprayed wildly underneath her head. “Why are you here?” she asked. I swallowed, “Oh, um. I was...driving...and-uh- this...is just kind of where I ended up.” I saw a flash of something unrecognizable in Angela’s eyes before she quickly composed herself, like she always did, and said, “You ended up in the middle of the forest? I highly doubt that. Even four-wheel-drive can’t get through these trees.” I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Well, no. I ended up in front of your house. But, um...I walked here.” She narrowed her eyes, “Why?” I shrugged, “I just went where my feet took me.” Angela pursed her lips and I wanted to lean forward and kiss them. “Where’s your girlfriend?” she asked me. I swallowed, “She’s not my girlfriend. She’s just a friend.” Angela nodded, “Oh. A friend that you kiss.” I sighed and closed my eyes, “She kissed me. She wanted to be...more. Than friends. But, um, I told her...” I shook my head, “Anyway. So, what about your boyfriend? That Sean guy?” Angela stared at me for a second and then looked back up at the sky as she said, “He went home.” I rose an eyebrow. I had been hoping she would tell me he was just a friend, too. “And he’s not my boyfriend. He’s...” she hesitated, biting her lip and taking in a quick breath before saying, “my sister’s.” I rose an eyebrow, surprised, and said, “Oh.” I looked around, though I knew what I was looking for wouldn’t suddenly be in the forest, “Is your sister home?” Angela turned and looked at me. Her expression caught me off guard. She shook her head and looked back up at the stars. I furrowed my eyebrows, “Is something wrong?” Angela closed her eyes and sighed quietly, “She’s dead.” I blinked. What? “Who’s dead?” Angela took in another breath, but this time it was short and shaky, “My sister.”

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 61

"Angela!" I screamed as I pushed my way through the crowd, "Angela! Wait!" I made my way through the crowd and came out on the other side, near the exit. I looked around and saw the back of Angela's head, her black hair on her red dress. I started to scream her name when I saw that she was with a guy. He nodded and put his arm around the small of her back, which the dress was cut to reveal, bringing her towards the hotel doors. I watched as he escorted her to his truck, opened the passenger side door for her, and walked around to the driver's side. He pulled out and she turned, looking back at the hotel. I caught her eye for half a second and she opened her mouth, her eyes widening. And then she was gone. I turned just as Selena came up to me, "Oh! Did Sean take Angie already? Dang it. I thought she agreed to stay another hour!" She sighed. "That's Sean?" I asked looking after where Angela had just disappeared. "Yup. He's really cool, you should meet him." Selena smiled at me and then disappeared in the crowd again.

“So, you really thought it was that bad?” Sean asked with a chuckle, shooting a glance at me as we drove away from the hotel. I swallowed and turned to him. So what if Tyler had seen me drive off with a guy? I saw him kissing a girl. And it’s not like were ever a couple or anything. Not really. I laughed half-heartedly, “It was making me sick to my stomach,” I told Sean. Half-true. I was sick to my stomach. But not because of the bad music and awkward dancing. “Well then,” Sean said, “where shall we go?” I wrinkled my nose, “Um. Where can we go in a ballroom dress and suit?” Sean grinned mischievously, “Vegas.” I laughed, “Oh, yea. Good idea. ‘Cause that’s so close by.” Sean smiled, “Seriously, though. Where should we go?”

We sat in my treehouse and I stared up through the holes in the roof at the millions of stars in the night sky. “This is cool,” Sean said, peeking at me. I smiled and nodded, “Yea. It was Dustin’s idea.” Sean smiled, “This does remind me of her.” I nodded, biting my bottom lip. I missed Dustin. So much. And lately, missing Tyler hadn’t been helping with the pain. Now, though- my stomach was twisted a million ways and my head was throbbing. I didn’t want to think about it. But it was impossible not to replay it in my head- that girl, whoever she was, looking so beautiful that I would have been jealous even if I hadn’t seen the kiss, just seeing him with her- pulling him towards herself, placing her lips on his and closing her eyes. And it didn’t just end. It wasn’t just a peck. I looked away, down, and when I looked back, his lips were still pressed to hers. Was this why we had only had one phone conversation in the entire time we had been apart? Was that why he hadn’t visited me? And what was with the expression I saw on his face when I drove off with Sean? What was that supposed to mean? “I have a new girlfriend now, but seeing you with someone other than myself makes me want you back.” I felt like slapping myself as all these things ran through my head. What right did I have to be mad at Tyler? He was probably never even interested in me. If he had been, he would have asked me out. And it wasn’t like he had the excuse of not asking out the girl whose sister just died. He didn’t even know about Dustin.

It was stupid to feel so betrayed. But I couldn’t help it. I sat in the treehouse long after Sean had left, staring up at the stars and floating somewhere between tears and complete shock. And then, as I looked away from the stars for a moment, looking out of the wall on the opposite side of me towards the trees, I saw her. Dustin lay next to me, her eyes closed, her iPod in her ears. She mouthed the lyrics of whatever she was listening to but didn’t say anything. For the first time, I didn’t see the me from the past sitting with her. I didn’t know why- maybe this was a memory from one of the many times I had been searching for her and found her laying here, her music too loud to hear my parents screaming her name into the trees. Whatever reason, it sped my pulse and sweat caked my forehead again. It felt like she was just there, laying next to me. Now, not then. Right now. I wanted to open my mouth, to ask her about Sean, why she hadn’t told me about him-and ask her what I should do about Tyler, because she would know exactly what to do. But instead I just sat there and watched her mouth along with her music until the memory faded and I came back to reality, looking back at the stars and leaving the in between, succumbing to tears.

© 2010