I knew this was going to be a regular thing, I knew this was coming and I knew I was going to have to get used to sleeping only during the day.
But it never really hits you until your dreams are interrupted, once again, by that sputtering. You open your eyes, stare at the ceiling for a moment, and then squeeze them shut again, knowing exactly what's the coming next.
Cue the transformation of sputter to holler.
I sigh, push the cover off of me, and lean forward, pressing my thumbs and my index fingers into my eyelids. I count to five and stand up, feeling around the floor for my slippers. Once found, I slip them onto my feet, stubbing my left big toe in the process, and make my way over to the closet in the dark, where I know my robe is waiting for me on the door handle. Yawning, I reach out and feel the soft material. I pull it off the handle and behind my back, shimmying my arms into the sleeves. I push them up to my elbows and shuffle over the bedroom door. It's my turn, and when it's Jack's turn and he turns on the light, I feel like smacking him with the lamp on our bedside table, so I slip into the hallway in the dark and ease our bedroom door shut behind me quietly as Jack falls back asleep easily. I turn to my left and shuffle down the hallway, closer and closer to the source of the hollers. Jesse sits up in her bed, which I see since her door is left just a tiny bit open, the light from her book lamp pouring out into the hallway. "Mom?" she murmurs, her voice thick with night. "Go back to sleep," I reply in a whisper, and her book light flicks back off, leaving me alone in the darkness again. I tighten my robe around myself and continue my shuffle down the hallway. I approach the door from which the hollers are coming just as the front door opens and Justin strolls in, laughing and waving. He looks over at me and his smile falls, and I narrow my eyes at him. "Justin," I hiss, "Do you know what time it is?" He looks guilty, "Sorry, mom," he whispers, eyeing the room where the hollers are still strengthening, "Ron's dad got home from work literally ten minutes ago, and I couldn't have come home earlier." I close my eyes and shake my head. "Go to bed," I sigh, and he looks relieved, until I continue, "We'll talk about this in the morning." The relief shrinks a bit, but he slinks off to his room. I finally reach out and turn the doorknob, releasing the hollers into the hallway. I press the door shut behind me quickly and shuffle faster across the room. I flip on the lamp next to Jamie's crib and her screaming face is illuminated. I'm always filled with a surge of pity when I see her face like this, no matter how tired I am of getting out of bed at four in the morning. Her whole face is red, as if there's a flashlight underneath her head, shining through, and her tiny dark hairs are caked to her forehead with sweat. I reach out and pull her into my arms. I cradle her against my chest, and her warmth sinks into my chest as I murmur to her and move smoothly from side to side. She slowly quiets down, until her hollers have been transformed back into sputters, and then her cries are quieted completely and I look down at her tiny little face, her eyes, wide, staring up at me, and murmur, "You just wanted to be held, didn't you, darling?" And her eyelids flutter closed as if her long eyelashes are nodding, "yes".
© 2011
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