Relinquishment

"Listen," he said, and his voice sent shivers down my back, I squeezed my eyes shut. "Do you hear them?"

"Please."

I couldn't do this. I needed...I don't know what I needed. I couldn't think, not with him there. His presence seemed to suck away all my thoughts, so that all I felt; all I saw and all I smelled and all I heard, was him. He was everything and he was all around me.

"I–"

"Please," I said again, and my hands flew out to him and set on fire when they touched his. He went still. I tucked my head between my knees and slowly pulled my hands away, and one of his hands flinched, like he wanted to pull mine back.

"I can't," I whispered. I shook my head. "I can't, I..." He was silent, and I wanted him to talk, I wanted to reach out to him, I wanted to feel his face in front of mine. "Please go," I murmured, and he stood up. I squeezed my eyes shut again and pulled my hands into myself. He said nothing for a moment, and I finally looked up at him. His face was pain-stricken, he looked like he was staring at the dying body of his mother.

"I need you," he whispered. "No," I said, and my voice shook. I tried to keep my gaze steady on his eyes as I spoke, but I couldn't manage; the pain in them burned holes through my chest and it hurt, it hurt so much. "You don't."

He was gone, then, because he always did what I asked of him.

I buried my face into my knees and screamed, screamed, screamed; I needed him back.

© 2012