One Small Voice

It feels like

I'm all alone in the world

I will rebel

I've got to take a stand

My voice is small

My hand is weak

I will stand tall

Though I am meek

My age is young

My power is none

My voice is unheard

I form useless words

I will rebel

I've got to take a stand

My voice is small

My hand is weak

I will stand tall

Though I am meek

It only takes

A single word

To start a speech

To change the world

I will rebel

I'll take a stand

I'll use my voice, though it is small

I'll use my hand, though it is weak

I will stand tall

Though I am meek

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 78

As we walked back to the house, Jake slowly moved closer to Milly, and by the time we reached Angela's driveway, he had his arm around her waste and her head was leaning on her shoulder, her eyes only halfway open. I was reminded again of the talent of not feeling awkward that I had not inherited from my mother as Angela and I walked behind our little siblings who were clearly showing PDA right in front of us. Angela, however, didn't seem to be bothered by it. She, in fact, was smiling as she watched them, and she leaned toward me and said, "I'm glad they found each other. I think he needed her." I was surprised, hadn't been expecting that. I smiled and looked at them, "Yea," I said, "she needed him too." Angela looked up at me and smiled, and then looked back at them as they opened the door and Jake held it open for us.

Angela took out all the food she had made and Jake and Milly quickly grabbed their plates, thanking Angela, and hurried up the stairs. Angela laughed and sat down at the table with me, handing me a plate covered in food. I laughed, too, and thanked her for the food. She nodded, smiling, and brushed her hair behind her ear as she pulled her chair in. As we ate our dinner in silence, her eyes sort of flitted around the room, and though every time she talked to me she looked stable, I could tell she wasn't. I couldn't conceive what it must be like, to lose someone as close to you as Dustin had been to her. If I lost Milly...I couldn't even imagine it.

I don't know why I suddenly missed Dustin so much. Maybe it had been the memory earlier, maybe it had been listening to the music she resented, maybe it had been describing her to Tyler. But now, as I sat there, I wasn't thinking about all I had in that moment. I was thinking of what was missing. And it was her. She was missing.

She smiled at me and we moved over the couches. We didn't talk, just sort of sat there and looked at each other, as if we didn't really have anything to say, but we didn't really need to say anything. It was nice, calming, though I could tell Angela was anything but calm. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, tell her it was all going to be OK, but I wasn't sure if that would do more harm than good. And then, as we sat there, Jake came downstairs. He said, "Oh, Angela, I forgot to tell you, I found this outside, it was blowing around. Looked like it had just escaped the recycling bin. Mom must have thrown it away, she always did hate it." He smiled widely at her, "You want it back?" He was holding a poster of a band I vaguely recognized, some music my parents had listened to sometimes when I was a kid. Angela had been on the brink of breaking. Right then, she cracked. But, like the sturdy vase that she was, she immediately, at least temporarily, repaired herself. "Thanks," she said, standing up and taking it from him. She smiled at him and he smiled back, running up the stairs, oblivious. I had known already. But as she turned, I sprung up, the look in her eyes, well-hidden as it might be, evident to me. I hurried over to her, grabbing her arms in my hands, "Come on," I said, and I brought her upstairs.

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 77

Jake suggested that we all go down to the creek. I figured he was probably just trying to impress Milly by being a nature lover, but I agreed anyway. Tyler and I walked behind Jake and Milly as the sky started to darken and the fog grew thicker. When we got to the creek, Jake and Milly immediately removed their shoes and started wading in the freezing water, splashing each other and laughing. I smiled as I watched them, sitting on a rock next to Tyler, who was sitting on the ground. "Dustin," he started, and I immediately turned to look at his face. He bit his lip, "What was she like?" I smiled, my eyes softening as I looked back out at the water. "She was incredible," I said, "I mean, totally the opposite of me. She was loud, and outgoing, and she always listened to loud music and wore bright colors. She spoke her mind, and she was nice to everyone and could always kill an awkward silence. Teachers hated her, because she was always talking in class but she was also very smart, so they couldn't really get to mad at her, since she was their best student." I laughed looking down at the leaves and the little rocks, and noticing a small footprint- raccoon, it looked like- in the dirt. I smiled and looked over at Tyler, "She was my other half." Tyler mouth wasn't smiling, exactly, but it wasn't frowning. His eyes were very still, very focused, watching me with an intensity that made me feel slightly unsettled, and I bit my lip and looked back down at the little footprint. It was silent for a moment, and then he suddenly said, "I remember when we would stop at gas stations, Milly and I would always complain that the cash register guys made us feel awkward, we would always beg my mom to go inside and pay for the gas, rather than having us do it." He grinned, looking away from me for a moment, "But she would always say that awkwardness wasn't real, that we only created awkwardness in our minds. She said that people only ever feel awkward because they think the other person feels awkward." He laughed, shaking his head, "She said that as long as we portrayed to the person that we were perfectly comfortable with the situation, they wouldn't feel awkward, and so neither would we. And I watched her carry it out, too, many times. We would stop somewhere, and people would take one look at her and immediately feel awkward, uncomfortable, not sure how to hide the judgement of their faces. But then she would just step right up to them, smile at them with her biggest smile, and make sweet small talk. There faces would just settle, the uncomfortableness would fall away, and pretty soon the two of them would be laughing." He grinned, "I remember I always used to wish I could do that. But that doesn't seem to be a talent that I inherited from her." He grinned at me and grinned back, and we both looked back out at Milly and Jake, who were stepping out of the water now, and our memories, the pains that we kept locked up for only us to occasionally admire, lay there, out in the open, stretching their wings, so happy to finally get the chance to take flight.

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 76

There was a knock on the door at 4:32, and I jumped up from the couch, where Jake was forcing me to sit and watch a news show about some man who had been planning to bomb the white house but was killed by his wife before he could try. The news story was very interesting, and disturbing, but somehow I found the knock on the door more appealing. Jake switched the TV off and followed me to the front door, his excitement evident of his grin-covered face. I pulled the door open and it was as if no time had passed at all, since the prom and since he had lived in town. He was wearing sort-of tight blue jeans and a loose beige v-neck t-shirt. He had on hightop Converse, one which was stuck over his jeans. His hair was situated on his forehead like a wave swiftly flowing on sand. His lips were smiling, and his beautiful eyes were bright. Behind him was Milly, her smile as wide as his, though her lips were slightly thinner, and her eyes showing an obvious relation between them. "Hello," I said, "Come on in." Tyler followed through, stepping through the door and inhaling. "Mm!" he said, "It smells good in here. Did you make something?"

"She made everything," Jake replied to him, though he was looking at Milly. We all sort of laughed, and then we awkwardly dispersed. Jake and Milly went up to his room and Tyler came up to mine. He lay back on my bed, "Aw," he said, "I've missed these comforters. They're so soft. And they smell like fabric softener." I laughed, "Thanks?" He smiled and sat up, his eyes excited. I was so happy to have him there. But I didn't know what to do now. The comfortableness between us that we had before was gone, and I felt nervous and exhilarated all over again. But still I couldn't stop smiling.

Angela was sitting there, right in front of me. I hadn't really believed myself when I thought back of the night of the prom, didn't believe that someone so breathtaking could possibly exist. But here she was, now, sitting in front of me- she wasn't wearing a dress that heightened all the best parts of her, her hair wasn't styled flawlessly, and her face wasn't painted with makeup. But it seemed that she was, if not more, beautiful than she had been with all those things. She was wearing a figure-fitting short dress- or rather, a short jumper. I think my sister called them rompers, or something like that. Hers was turquoise, and her black hair suited it perfectly, her green eyes were brought out by it. She smelled like pine and chocolate chip cookies. She was sitting sort of awkwardly, half on the bed and half leaning towards the floor. I sat up, hoping I wasn't making her feel awkward, and said, "Sorry I came so late. There was a lot more traffic than I was expecting." She shrugged, "It happens." Angela bit her lip for another moment before she said, "I think we need some music." I smiled and nodded in agreement. She stood up and walked over to her dresser, where iPod speakers were set up, and she pulled her iPod out of a drawer, placing it on the speakers and scrolling through her music with a determined expression. She selected something, and then selected something else, and a beat I recognized played over the speakers. As the song progresses, I recognized that it was Hanging High by Lykke Li. "Wow," I said, "I didn't know you liked this kind of music." Angela grinned, "I love Lykke Li. Anya Marina, too, and The Bird and The Bee. My sister always hated their music, so I didn't get to listen to it loud in here too often, but I always listened to them with my headphones." I grinned and looked over at the speakers, "My mom knows every word to every Lykke Li song there is. She's always telling me what an undiscovered genius she is- she said if she was just a poet, instead of poet who sings her poems, she would world-famous by now. She thinks her lyrics are brilliant. She walks around the house singing them and using utensils as her instruments to keep the beat." Angela laughed and sat down next to me, patting her knee along with the beat. "I like her lyrics a lot, too," she said, "They're abstract, but at the same time universal, you know?" I nodded, paying closer attention to the words as the song continued. We sat there in silence as the song continued, until we heard Jake calling us from downstairs, and then we left her room, the music still playing, the poem reciting for no one to hear.

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 75

I spent the week bouncing off the walls, my mind flitting away from the present, looking forward to the weekend as if I was going to Italy or a Green Day concert. What would she say when I told her I was moving back? What would her face look like? That was all I could think about all the time- her face. Her striking green eyes and sculpted cheekbones, her full, smiling lips, and her hair which framed her face like an exquisite frame around an exquisite painting- just making it that much better. Sadie didn't really say that much to me. She still sat with me at lunch, but I felt like everything she said just small talk, she was making an effort to be funny or nice, it wasn't coming to her naturally. I felt kind of guilty. I knew she felt uncomfortable talking about Angela, and I knew I should probably at least pretend that I was going to be at all sad to leave this place, to leave her. And I was sad to leave her. I loved her, she had become, really, my best friend- because Angela was more than that, and Ed was great, but talking to him wasn't the same, I couldn't tell him everything. And then there was that guy Shane, who was really nice, and a pretty funny guy to hang out with, but whom I never really hit it off with, I guess. We talked at school, but that was pretty much the limit of it. Sadie was funny, and sweet, and I could talk to her like a girl might talk to a diary- minus anything about Angela. But the way she avoided the topic of Angela made me uncomfortable, because it reminded me of her bit of a crush on me- and Angela was really a huge part of my life. She saved me from myself. I found God, and he saved me from my depression- but I never really thought that my life could be beautiful again, even though I had God, until I met Angela. I feel like, though she hadn't known God herself, she showed me the beauty in the world that God had created. God made me feel so much less alone... and Angela was the person who was right there in front of me.

Saturday came, and I felt ADHD. I made cookies, and I prepared dinner early, and I mowed our lawn, and I walked my neighbor's dog, and I cleaned up Jake's room, and I did my laundry- and when all of this was done, and Tyler was still not there, I needed something else to do. I sat down on my couch and flipped through channels, but it wasn't working, so I got up and started doing sit-ups on the floor. Jake came downstairs, then, and stopped above my head. He crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head at me. "May I ask what you're doing?" he inquired. I giggled, despite myself, "Sit-ups." He nodded, "Mhm. On the living room floor. At 3. When we're expecting guests any minute now." I sat up- I had done 15- "Fine. Do you have something better for me to do?" He looked at me, "Why do you need something to do?"

"Because I have so much energy!" Jake laughed, "Chill out. He'll be here any minute now." I blushed slightly, and he winked and went into the kitchen, where he exclaimed loudly. "Geez! Did an atom bomb go off in here?" Oh, right. I hadn't cleaned the kitchen after making all that food. I ran to the kitchen, "Something to do!" I exclaimed. Jake laughed and leaned against the counter, watching as I scrubbed the kitchen squeaky clean with a huge grin spread across my face.

© 2010

Nibble part 22

"That was," I said as we left the recording studio a few hours later. He didn't say anything, leaving my trail-off to float in the air as I tried to think of the perfect adjective. "Amazing," I finished, not able to think of anything else. He shook his head, scrunching up his eyebrows and looking at the ground, "No." I rose an eyebrow at him, in disbelief. Humble. Of course he was. Not about the way he could catch me off-guard, sweep me off my feet in the way that left me sitting on my butt in the middle of the road, dazed and confused- but when it came to his singing, a real talent, something that could actually be used- humble. Why hadn't I seen that coming? "Um, yea," I replied, and as he started to protest again, I interrupted him, changing the subject. I would have the last word here. "So," I said, "Is that all you do in the night? Do you just wait for me outside the department store after that?" He shook his head, grinning. "Nope," he said, "Sorry to disappoint."

"What?"

"I know you like the mental image of me sitting on the stairs, waiting for hours on end for you to come outside."

"Wha-"

"Don't argue it, I know it's true. Well, sorry, but that's not the reality of it." I gaped at him, stopping in my tracks as he stopped slightly ahead of me and turned to grin at me. "You," I said, "Are...just..."

"Let's leave it at that," he said, grinning as he tucked his hands into his pockets and walked ahead of me, "Do you want to see what else I do?" I bit my lip but couldn't resist the curiosity, so I followed him as he took me down another street.

A bar. I hadn't really been expecting that. I couldn't help but grin, though,

as the audience that clearly knew Nick cheered as he stepped up onto the

stage. As he sang another originally female song, All the Same To Me by Anya

Marina, I was entranced again, as if I hadn't just heard him singing a few minutes

ago. He performed for about 45 minutes before he stepped off the stage, waving

to the audience with is half-smile and walking back to me. When he approached

me, I was smiling widely. He seemed to be caught slightly off guard by my smile,

and he said, "Well, enough about me. How about you show me your poetry?" I

laughed, rolled my eyes, and shook my head, "I should have known this was

coming." He shrugged and half-grinned. "Well," I said, "I think I will, actually-"

this made his grin grow- "but it has to be in context. So we're going to the

department store." He shrugged, "Fine by me." We had to slip by a crowd of drunk

older men in order to get out. One of them reached out and pinched my butt. I

squealed and jumped away, and he winked at me. I winced and moved away, and

Nick, noticing, gave the guy a look of marked territory as he placed his hand on

the small of my back, which was bare, surrounded by my low-cut shirt. His hand

on my skin sent a chill through my body, and I glanced back at him for a moment-

a mistake. He glanced at me, too, just as I did, and we both blushed, looking away

from each other. He kept his hand on my back, though, until we were out of the bar.

© 2010

Broken Glass, Broken Hearts part 74

Milly called Jake as soon as I told her the news. I was happy for her, and judging from the volume of the exclamation I heard from the other end of the phone, Jake was pretty happy too. I smiled but said to her, "Make sure you tell Jake not to tell Angela." She frowned, "Why?" I shrugged, "I want to tell her myself." She grinned, rather mischievously, at me, and I rolled my eyes at her. She laughed, and told Jake. I left the room, walking into my own room and sighing at the sight of all the things I would have to repack now. I got to work.

When I came home from the mall, I found Jake sitting on the living room

couch, watching That 70's Show. I laughed at the sight and said, "Hey, Jake."

He looked up, just noticing my entrance, (hard to get distracted from a show

so attention-keeping,) and smiled widely at me. His smile made me smile

back, but I was sort of confused. "Good mood?" I asked. I looked at the TV,

"Is it Ashton Kutcher that's brought this on?" He laughed, "Um, sorry, but no."

I tilted my head, waiting for him to explain himself. "Milly called," he said,

"She's coming to stay this weekend, with Tyler." I grinned, "Oh, she's coming,

too? That's cool." I was glad, for Jake's sake, that she was coming. Jake was

quiet about his grieving, but he was as much as any of us. Milly had been

helping him, without even knowing it, like Tyler had been helping me. But

they left, and Jake and I were both left alone. I bit my lip at this thought but

smiled at Jake as I said, "I've got a lot of homework, so I'll see you at dinner."

He nodded, "Ok, see you," and I headed up the staircase.

The last time a memory had come to me, I had been startled. But that

was nothing compared to the way I felt when I walked into my room and saw

Dustin standing on a chair in front of our drawers, tacking up the Devo poster.

She was going on about the band, telling me everything her English teacher

had told the class as he used the band's lyrics to relate to something he was

talking about with them. I covered my hand with my mouth and stood there

for a moment just staring at her. After a minute, I fell to the ground, my

knees no longer capable of holding me, and a loud sob that I hadn't heard from

myself recently escaped my throat, followed by others of it's kind. I had already

thrown the poster away. But I thought about possibly searching the recycling

bin for it.

© 2010